***Note this entry is from 8/19/2005 - very old - deleted all entries after. See current entry for reasons ****

However, yesterday I got the first of three medical bills.

So gentle readers, I owe $900 to the hospital for my ultrasound and bloodwork.

I thought there was a mistaked and checked with my insurance ... sure enough I was wrong.

Sure enough, I felt another panic attack happening.

I reasoned to put it all on my Visa, pay it off slowly. I told my mom my plans of freelance work and ebay selling spree of clothing and whatever else.

My mom said she'd send me another check. I said NO. I can do this. I'm OK ....

So she's still sending it. So I again, cried for half the night. I don't like to feel like I can't make it. I hate feeling like I can't stand on my own two feet. I hate that I can't seem to save money right now ...not due to BUYING things, but paying bills.

So I was in entire, total despair.

I'm going to apply again at the casino place, I found their job posting on Monster.com and they want samples. I didn't send samples before.

So I'm going to resend it via email -- and also going to create a flyer for my sisters school to do freelance work. I asked to borrow my sisters camera to take pics of the shit I want to sell on Ebay.

I ended my want for a PET. I don't want to pay for FOOD or bedding or whatever. Maybe it's God sent that I didn't get that cat...because if I had to put $300 extra on visa ... I could'nt.

I just feel bad that my parents keep giving me money. I know my dad is probably pissed about it...they've currenly now, well have given me $2,600.

Now sending another $1,000.

I just feel like a failure. That makes me sad.

My theme now IS failure. Failure to get a better job, failure to get more money, failure to get a boyfriend.

I feel alone. Really alone right now. My blessing and my curse.

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pet ramps