Well I've decided to put my cat dreams on hold for a while. I had parents call up - mom crying/dad talking low - that they didn't think it was a good idea. No wait, they were 100% against it.

Oddly enough, the HS called and said I HAD the cat. Scheduled to pick it up on Saturday. So I had to call them to leave a message of "sorry my apartment doesn't allow cats, I didn't know, it's upsetting news...." Then I had went to PetCo and bought some cat stuff - which I tried to take back, but they only could give a gift card as my check hadn't yet cleared - I said ... uh...well that wont' work I dont' have any pets! So I'm going on Tuesday to take it all back and get my cash back.

But I wanted to scream at my parents, if they didnt' think it was a good idea, then WHY DID THEY WAIT UNTIL NOW? Readers you know I've been talking about this for at least 2 weeks or MORE. Not until I turn in an application and get APPROVED do they call and do this fucking intervention.

So today I'm just crabby cause I can't believe they waited like this, and what changed my mind on this whole thing?

How they told me that I have to start paying for my own car insurance ... which is due in JANUARY. I didn't know this, and I do know it's $500 at least for it. The cat would've cost me $450 with fees, apt. rent, and items for it.

No way, not now could I afford to on take a cat. If I didn't have the $300 buck apt rent fee for the cat, I would be OK. But ... now ... that I know that I have to pay insurance for myself - a bill I hadn't thought of - it's like well I better be MORE frugal than I already am.

So I'm upset and feel guilt guilt major GUILT that I went to the HS and gave FALSE HOPE to everyone and this lady who was happy someone took this poor creature ... and then this stupid girl who calls up saying her apt doesn't take cats ... hello. I just feel like shit about the whole thing.

Pissed my parents waited until the LAST MIN. and call me up like that ... like I'm moving some bum in or like I'm on drugs ... it was CRAZY. I was like FINE OKAY I won't get it if ya'll are going to call up like I'm on the ledge.

So stupid stupid.

So okay do NOT Want to talk about it anymore. DONE with it cause I still feel pangs of GUILT. Am still going to volunteer at the HS resale shop ... maybe repay back my guilt. Talk to the woman there and tell her my plight so she can tell me that it's okay and she understands.

*Sigh* Pls no one email me on this or leave a note on it. It's very upsetting ... I feel so bad. Never felt this personally bad - character-ly - bad. Not even when I broke it off with my ex .... I just feel like a bad person. Which is half-heartedly why I cried my eyes out last night after making my calls.

And now having to drive around with CAT stuff in my trunk until TUESDAY. It's killer.

Killer man. Killer.

Anyway .... enough about this .....

I'm majorly grumpy today and trying to change this feeling cause I hate being this way. I'm going for my sisters measuring/dress thing today. I should probably ask about the brides maid dress for myself.

I also am only working 1/2 day cause I get cable today. Yay. I'm leaving the guy a note on my buzz thing cause my name isn't on it yet ... he'll be like WTF there is no Jennifer here...and probably leave. I'll watch for him.

Anyway, I also helped my sister pick out her wedding shoes. She got them at Payless --- and on clearance! Ha! She tried on their wedding collection shoes and they just were not her... to strappy or high heeled.

So I found a plain white pair of shoes in my size...I said that it was a shame they didn't have them in her size...so I looked in her size and lo and behold! There they were!! So she got em ... $10 bucks!

Since they are plain, I'm going to sew on some embellishments. I have some antique, clear glass buttons of my great grandma's that I think would look great on them. I'm slightly worried about getting a needle through the fabric on the shoe....to big a needle won't be able to fit the bead or button. Thankfully she likes things plain and simple. So at least it's a project.

*sigh* I also realized last night in my DESPAIR that I need to get someone close to me again. I went through my phonebook on my phone thinking of who to call. I called Pooks who never answered, and then called my sister who was like..."I don't know" and I heard fiance slapping his stomach in the background - probably to piss me off and she must've shot him a look cause he then stopped.

Other than that, I looked at Naperville guy .... No. That other guy .... no (and if he doesn't call me ... he's being deleted) ... then NY guy whom I haven't talked to in a while...no.

That was it...no one else. No one to really listen and understand and help me out.

So I sat there thinking, fuck a pet....right now ....I need to get out and work on myself. I have no one .... special to be there for me. Maybe watching my Sex in the City has fucked me up. But seeing guys who really love and care for you ...I miss it, never really ever had it. Maybe a slight slight taste of it...but .....

I know what I want. It's taken a while, but I do know now.

Other than this my eating has changed. I call it single living despair ... I eat very little and have no appetite, not like I did before. Maybe I ate crazy before cause I was scared. Now....I don't know. Realization?

Ha...I just realized ... sorry off topic ... I'm working 1/2 a day, yet brought in my lunch and an afternoon fruit snack. Geez....

I can't wait to have my internet back at home and my cable tv ... wow. It's like Xmas!

�

pet ramps