I slept extremely well last night. Watched some of the Sex in the City DVD's I have ... and cooked for myself and just kind of bummed around.

Sex in the City is a comfort to me, these later-aged women looking for love, marriage. I'm kinda like Charlotte and Carrie combined. Though I feel kind of shitty cause it's like I have all these "beginning" guys who start out sounding good, then boom they ... don't pan out. What the hell is going on? I want to give up, but I have this damn hope always here whispering to give it just one more chance. Then again some toad who doesn't pan out. Over and over and over again. At least now I'm quick to take out the trash. I'm not wasting my time or energy on a man who isn't willing to give 50/50 in communication/relationship. No way. Never again.

OK Today I'm going to the GYM no excuses. Then going home to throw in a load of whites (sheets and towels) Am going to use the satan HOT water setting on it. The water there is way to hot, I mean it's boiling out of the faucet! Seriously. I've burnt my hand a few times. I could make a cup of tea just by turning on the tap.

Anyway, I also called up my credit card company again to find out if my card's balance was back. Nothing yet ... I feel at odds. I know I had $300 on there. However it says my balance is zero. I checked my last five purchases/payments and there are only two on there, a charge of $60 and then a payment of $65. That's it.

So I'm feeling crazy about this, and if somehow someone fucked up and wiped my credit card clean, I'm over joyed, but knowing that Karma will bite me in the ass cause I probably SHOULD say something. But I'm not, I'm having faith that they'll catch this mistake...somehow. They have to. Right? I'm figuring that maybe it's still transfering over ... I did this a week ago now, so next week it'll be right again I'm sure....

So I have a headache from the a/c at my apt. and here at work. I've been trying to save up a lil' on it - thinking of my electric bill. I haven't used my dish washer at all since my move in. I figure I only use a few dishes, there is really no point in running the dish washer for a plate, and pan and glass. It's not worth the soap and water and heating usage for that.

I'm so missing my cable/internet. It's getting really really old now. I feel shut out from the world by it. Isn't that odd? I guess no communication, no entertainment. But anymore I feel slack-ish. These things I wanted to do when I moved out, now ... I don't even feel like doing. Just ... living right now. Getting used to it all. Trying to figure it all out.

I'm thinking about money again, I have enough saved, but feel at ODDS with getting a pet. I want to, but then the $300 fee is what kicks my ass. That's a lot of money. I know I get $150 back when I move out, but that's no consolation now that I'll have to put that on my Visa card (but hell if that mistake goes uncatched, maybe it won't be to bad) ... I'd like to wait and save up, but at the same time I just feel sorry for that cat in the cage at the Humane Society.

That alone, will be $200 out of my checking account. $65 adopt. fee, $20 rabies shot .... food, litter, litter pan, toys, etc. let's just say $100 more or less.

So I'm kind of at a weriod area. I want to do it, but the whole money thing is what is getting me. I'm figuring on, I have all this "money" because my bills haven't come yet from the doctors - I just have my insurance bills saying to expect a bill for $400.

Argh. I hate decisions!

Anyway, the woman who interviewed me at work for that job, she just pisses me off. She said I could freelance, now has reniged on it saying she doesn't know if it's allowed. I'm all about FU lady. She's hired all her staff from the magazine she came from. How bad is that? So we have all these yuppy motherfuckers walking around with thin as a rake look and dressed in black and browns and stylish and people looking like they come out of InStyle ... it is wrong that this lady hired her old staff when there were more than enough capable workers here.

It's just wrong. But that's business I guess. But she's on my shit list for telling me I could write for her and when I put her to task was all like...well I don't know and don't have the time to find out. Whatever. So I'm thinking about going to her OLD magazine and asking them about freelance work. I heard that I might get in trouble here because it's "competition" ... but unless you're going to let me freelance here and write, then fuck off.

I also have to get writing samples to the editor here, I expressed interest in writing/reporting and he wants to see some of my work. I have yet to accomplish ... right now it's just a lot to have to do ... not sure why, but I know I should get my clipping together this weekend for him ...before he forgets. Or whatever.

I dont' know, I feel like my job is endless, I don't want to be doing this job the rest of my life. It's just hard to apply for like jobs in Chicago when I think of having to drive to the train station every day - which consequently is where I used to live. That'd be a 20 mins drive every morning to get to the station, then paying whatever to take the train, etc. Back and forth. To much ... to do. I'd def. have to move nearer ... I'd rather work out - around here. So it's just hard to find jobs in my field. That is what sucks. I wish I had chosen a field that wasn't so artistic and creative. That's where "starving artist" comes into play.

Then I wonder about writing a book or begin pastel work and sell them...or needle work/fabric collage work ... anything to cut the slack to my shit pay.

I wonder if I should go into marketing, not sure even how to get my start in that. Something, I guess. A change. I'm tired of putting in templates, playing watchdog to late ads and fixing problems or filling in for my boss and doing my job at the same time.

I don't know, I'm just feeling scattered right now. I think I'm scared cause of all this sudden change. My "what ifs" is now present. Those things I said I'd do whenever I moved out, it's here and I find myself not doing anything about it.

I guess I need time to adjust. Why did I think this would be easy?

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pet ramps