*Sigh*

It's fucked up. I'm just fucked up anymore. Scattered Jen again. Doesn't know what she wants, where she's going, what she's doing.

So that naperville guy called me last night and we talked for a while. He explained this issue he had with this friend of his, again...and I sat through that again, halfway not listening and halfway trying to still pack up odd things in my room.

He wants meet again (marked as attempted dating 4) this Saturday. He'll drive out to where I'm at. Whatever.

So he updated his Yahoo personals/pics. SO this morning I found it and he's so fucking thin/works out/athletic ala' not my type.

So I scroll down and his wants are: body type - thin, athletic, average.

Me: none of those things. Me: my label is usually "a few extra pounds" or "thick" ... I don't do LARGE or whatever cause that's just...eh sounds bad.

So I'm sitting here like, why the fuck is this guy interested in me. I'm not thin/athletic/average.

I'm fat. Sorry, there it is. You're thin dude. It's like cats and dogs. Oranges to apples. Hamburger/hotdog.

I know they say personality prevails. That simply by being kind and fun, that the outside self doesn't matter, but that is BULLSHIT.

I'm like, dude, my pictures, I feel are a fraud. I appear to be okay fat, like lose like 50 lbs and you'll look okay fat.

But I'm not in person, I just don't think I look like my pictures in person.

Does that make sense?

Okay here is a FIRST TIME for me ... here is a link to my personals site: http://personals.yahoo.com/us/personals-1112982547-255749

Tell me that I'm not a fraud. That he's a goon and will see me and think oh to bad she's fat.

I just ... have had that look on a guys face, disappointment. And all my life been made fun of because of being overweight. So it's no wonder why I'm still sensitive about it.

Now my other guy - IL guy w/ kidz - I agreed to a date the weekend of the 22nd. I'm not even nervous about it. He's really shocked I'd date him cause a. he's older, b. has kids and c. thinks I'm pretty - ala he too has low self esteem.

So it's just fucked up flip flopped.

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pet ramps