I've come to believe that my body is trying to committ suicide. This isn't coming from external sources, I certainly don't want to die.
However my uterus seems to think it's being "cute" by making me feel like I'm hemorraging to death.

*ahem*

Anyway, I called the gyn and was told that if my "time" doesn't stop in 10 days to call, or if I don't get it again in 6 weeks to call. Oh yeah and to expect a heavy period. So far it's monsoon season, and I'm waiting for the dry spell that is impending.

Erm so I've been a lil' wacky lately. The sorry, sad thing is, I haven't practiced in two days. I've been doubled over in cramps and/or afraid to move so nothing is triggered to "let go." Kind of like a land slide, sometimes it's just easier to lay still and hope for the best.

But today I am practicing cause I have a new song to learn. A song I already have issues with as I do not know the tune and it's in some italian word that I think means - play fast - or something that's going to have me going on E-string down to D and then to A and all over so I get pissed at scratching. I am using my mute from my grandparents violin stock (a box filled with everything violin from pegs to bridges to chin rests) ... so far it works very well. My poor muffled violin, it wants to sing out loud, but I don't want others to hear me practice, it's an odd thing. My grandma was the same way, I think I have a lot of her in me.

Oh yeah. I got that apartment too.

Oh yeah, the $1,000 bucks I borrowed from my parents? Well they gave me $2,000 with a "don't worry about paying back" ... however I am paying back $1,000 cause that was the original dealio.

I am picking up my keys Aug 9 - a Tuesday - just to start putting stuff in there. I have nearly everything nix food and spices and small things.

I am thinking gosh, will I have to deal with loneliness? I thought about how I've been blowing off these guys who talk to me lately, my one guy called and I never called him back. We were supposed to go out this week, but with my crazy period, this moving stress, I'm not calling back.

I feel bad.

But feel PMS'y too and being stressed over meeting a guy isn't high on my list. Maybe this also means I'm scared.

He's a nice man, maybe I'm feeling the distance between us miles wise, is what is so unattractive right now. I still admire him, still enjoy his philosophies. He is interesting in a non-educated way, an emotional way maybe.

I will call him tomorrow apologize and he's nice enough to understand. I'll tell him, right now, in my transitional from multiple dwelling to single dwelling I just ... don't want to even think about dating.

I guess I'm back to working on myself and having no time again. I'm okay, really.

I will have to post pics sometime, I keep forgetting I have Gold membership. What's so hard right now is trying to get DSL or a phone line. Seems like a phone line would be cheaper, but I found it's more expensive. I have to see though. I have so many calls to make Monday for cable, electricity, phone, then post office and later on apt place so I can say yo I'm coming to get me keys 3 days earlier so pro-rate me and tack on $60 to my rent next month. I figure it's $20 bucks a day to live there.

Do the math sparkies.

Anyway, it was nice seeing Pooks when he visited. I know we'll be friends for the rest of our lives. I never thought we would, but I don't think I could stand ever not talking to him or whatever. We help each other and we're in the same boat on many levels. We both suck at relationships. We're nice people, but can't seem to find a lasting thing.

It's crazy. But saying that makes me feel like I'm not trying at all to even find a relationship. I have these guys asking me out and me poo-pooing it and not meeting them half-way. Emotional detached? Is that the word?

I'm all about describing people in simple adjectives now. I'm "emotionally detached, yet optimistic." My sister - guilty, obsessive. Pooks - unrealistic. My ex, I realized it the other day after finally over it all and okay with it ... realized that I don't think of him as "asshole" but his adjective is ... "self-impressed."

Simple and clean and perfect.

I'm trying to write again. Well when I move out, I will, but already I have it coming back to me as I attempt to write that article for that magazine. It's kind of hard when you don't know all the workings of it like length and what they look for, etc. But I have time still and am going to work on it and redo and work and redo.

My goal is light, airy and humor with some yuppie snobbery. That's what I see that magazine as, so I'll write in that style.

I know I can write, and know I do really well in my conversational, easy writing - as grandma used to say it's like I'm there talking to you. But you either hate it or love it. I've never had anyone say they "hated" my writing though. Maybe mediocre-ish?

If I get to nervous I won't be able to write though. So who knows anymore. I my start up a mini writing site too ... a blog of sorts ... of just daily happenings or maybe take my existing blog and shape it into that? That is more do-able I guess.

Oh anyway, I hate to think of all the impending work coming up with moving, it's over-whelming, but happy to know I have so many friends/family willing to help.

My sister bought me a microwave, my parents gave me $100 to buy things as a "gift" (more money from them, I feel spoiled) ... and all those extras such as shower curtain ($11 on clearence at TJ maxx) ... well that money paid for it all.

Found lovely, coolio hand towels at TJ Maxx too. It's funny how you look at something as easy as a handtowel and think "Does that show my personality?"

Does a handtowel define me? What does that color choice say about me? Then you realize, it's just a fucking handtowel.

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pet ramps