It's been a short "vacation" ... I can't believe I leave tomorrow.

I stopped today and felt a twinge of upsetness. I miss my parents a lot, I miss being here and feeling like everything is okay. Taken care of, equal. I know I don't have to see the bad things.

But tomorrow I go home and a whirlwind of things I have to do begin all over again. I have to get up early to beat the heat. It was 104 degrees in Chicago today, but only 89 here in Michigan. But tomorrow I'm leaving very very early to beat the heat and save on gas/not running a/c in car.

I go home, have to visit 2 apartments, go with sister to order her bridal gown as I get prices for the bridesmaid dress I want.

Then at 6 go to violin class. I feel very afraid to go. I got my Suzuki violin booklet ... and I was pissed OFF to learn it begins with learning the E-string .. this cannot be a beginning booklet, it just cannot.

I hate the E-string, but can see WHY they need you to learn it. The bowing is so odd. And yes, I'm having troubles learning two NEW SONGS from only TWO DAYS of learning it.

It sounded a lot better tonight, I still get lost, and my whole notes turn into quarter notes and I get mad at myself cause I'm holding the note trying to figure out the next measure.

So I'll let my teacher know that THOUGH I've practiced, I've only had a few days to learn these new songs.

I hope he'll understand. When I play, I pretend he's not there.

The room is so small, I believe it's just me practicing.

But hell that's what I'm there for.

Other than this, that Naperville guy called me last night and I called him back feeling at odds with this man. The way he said we'd maybe go out, but then didn't call or maybe I was supposed to call.

Then he got busy at work and anymore it's touch and go with him. I don't know what's going on, and pretty much I'm just as scattered as he is ... I'm thinking we're in the same boat and I will not pass judgement on this as I'm doing the same things.

So I agreed to a date this week sometime. He's supposed to call me and then drive out to Indiana. I'll hold my breath with his call. But I will not hold it against him if he doesn't call. Right now, I understand.

He was sweet and seemingly smitten with me ... I think he's made up a fantasy of me ...the way you day dream about a great relationship when you've first met someone. He says he likes me a lot, his voice is nervous and he lets out a little laugh. He says he feels like we have a connection. He says he feels like on the net we can talk and talk and he feels that way on the phone. Communication.

I feel seperated by him. And just feel convient for him to contact me whenever and ask me when he feels like it. He's the nice guy and sensitive. He believes in love.

Maybe I'm the damaged one in the equation, I can't seem to feel right now. Maybe it's because we haven't dated. But I worry as this man is thin ... not super thin, but he runs and exercises. He looks like one of those guys I'd never think of even looking at.

I think I'm to fat for him, I'm not one of those girls he can take to his friends without feeling a twinge of embarassment at this extra large girlfriend. I know I'm not huge, but I feel uneasy dating someone thin.

I know I'm superficial and a hypocrite I sneer at guys who won't even look at me cause I'm plus size, yet I sneer at thin men.

Last night I looked at myself and said ... he's really a nice guy.

What the hell am I doing? That's when I agreed to meet him.

Still ... I also am talking to another man, kind of. Not sure if it'll go anywhere, maybe no where. But right now, I still feel a drought in my love life. I miss having a man. I miss kissing and touching, holding hands and having someone. I'm not willing to settle or get shit on. But right now I'm going to give chances I wouldn't before.

Also realized that bitterness for ex is leaving. That needs to go to finally forget about it and forgive and to finally finally get over it. I've moved on months ago, but still bitterness lasted.

It's not all his fault, it's not all my fault. It's no ones fault. It's over, we learned. Okay. Done. That feels good.

It's easy to bad mouth, but now I can say his name at work in conversation about job descriptions and not feel weriod. It's like it never happend.

I'm done. I'm okay. Ready to move on, but realized I'm scared to get hurt all over again and it's hard not to judge, make up excuses to end it...to end it before they can.

Hard to not be that way. Still, just a man's attention right now, not even anything sexual, but something with secret smiles and light conversation, a light hand touch. Those things, I'm okay with.

Anyway, my parents are excited about the whole apartment thing. I am too, but am very worried about money.

So hard to save and now I see ALL the things I'll need. I'm not spending money anymore.

My mom gave me a check for $100 dollars today to buy a microwave. Then gave me $50 for my trip home to Indiana. I said I had money, I was okay.

I felt poor and young and uncertain again. I felt like crying. I felt like saying don't buy love, I know you're not, but I feel like I should say that.

I thought of that money, before it meant a new outfit now I can't think of any other way to use it other than to pay off bills and then put rest in savings or use it for gas or whatever.

It's funny how my mind is changing now with money. I save, and now think of ways to scrimp and cut corners. Thinking that poor, ghetto food store where you bag the food yourself isn't so bad. Cutting coupons and stop with all the fancy bullshit ... yeah. New ways of being.

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pet ramps