Finally feel excited about seeing parents tonight. Maybe it's that someone is excited to see me. You don't get that often in life.

I realized today, that in nearly all my careers I've held jobs that were some what exciting to others, that I always met new people. A reporter, then on the Dizzzney Cruz Line where I always had new things happening.

Now I'm kind of at a desk all day, no thrills, no going...er...anywhere. I sometimes think maybe that is my problem anymore. I'm thinking about hitting the writing circuit somehow, going for reporter, maybe something in that area. Maybe I'd have better luck.

Regardless, I'm in my rut still and right now making home in the fact that I'm about to move out. Not sure how long I can relish and survive on that.

My mind whispers: you're not gone yet.

Anyway, I'm feeling happy about seeing my parents. Maybe sometimes in this bleakness I seem to be struggling with the small things do in fact count. I'm just thinking now how I should go for the writing part of the new magazine they are creating here. But my mind whispers of all my lack of experience.

It's hard because I've been turned down to much, enough to make me a bonafide loser in many cultures. It's hard to send out resumes when all you get is just some shit ass rejection. Yesterday was a slap in the face with me starting as entry level? Answering phones ... customer service? Fuck off you snatch, I'm not entry level and sure as hell am not customer service-ish. I went to college do you know this?

Anyway, no hard feelings right.

Regardless, I'm thinking all about moving out and loseing weight. The two seem to be working out some deal together in my mind. Well also realizing how fucking poor I'm going to have to be living for a while. Praying for freelance work, none has arrived yet from my friend. But trying to fall back on ... living frugally?

I say this eyeing $200 bridemaids dresses and dreaming of a new wardrobe for fall.

Also feeling bitter about dating, but felt better this morning as this fucking guy fixing the pop machine started hitting on me, I left before the next line of "want to go out sometime" made the conversation turn.

So I attract the grease monkies, the losers. They must think they are setting their standards low, or maybe I set my own standards low.

Still, I'm going to take a seat back and not even WORRY about that right now. Not sure what to do with my career right now. Where to go, should I even try anymore sending out resumes.

Okay anyway the drive tonight will give me ample time to think and ponder and decide.

Trying to relax and let the current take me for a while so I can just live and cope and just settle.

Just happy to see parents who take care of me, I don't have to worry about weriod noises, public displays of infection...er....affection in front of me, being treated like shit by sisters fiance .... etc. Just parents taking care of me, caring for me, etc. Just for a bit to feel like a kid again I guess. No worries. Everything seems all right.

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pet ramps