Life has reared it's changeable head again. So I found these two apartments I'm interested in. Leaning now towards my Dyer apartment as it includes heat and water all for $602 a month.

So I'm happy about that. But then, called, yes called for job interview in Chicago again.

This time for a very big company on Wacker Drive/Chicago River - would be designer (print) ... aka print designer.

My whole lil' issue: just turned in my PORTFOLIO for art director job (I won't get it) at the paper, the woman HAS my portfolio until Tuesday since I'm on vacation Thursday - Monday.

I was hoping to interview Monday if I had to. I haven't spoken to the woman yet who called, so who knows.

But know I have to take said portfolio when I go. Looked at map and am okay with having to walk two blocks to the place. Eh. That is IF I want to go for this.

I'm figuring pay would be substansial with this one. Happy about that, but now am feeling, okay where would I move now?

My life is a meander. I don't know where it's going and what I'm doing half the time.

I felt like if I get an apartment here, it's where I'm settling for. Working this same job forever until someone leaves.

Maybe I am okay with that, maybe I've given up. Though suddenly everyone asks why I'm not writing again. I'm not sure what to say.

I never felt like a writer, maybe I chose design because it's easier for me, and not so personal. Writing is so personal, my words, my thoughts, sentences, etc. all of my making.

Design, just placing of pre-made clip art, finding pretty fonts and making things look pretty.

I'm a ball of mixed up, mindless quandries abundant.

I just wish I knew what I wanted to do. I feel like I'm not good in anything, just okay. My resume makes me sound better than I am. I look at my work and see the mistakes. I look at my writing and feel embarassed.

But somehow apply to these jobs where all of these things have to be hidden and I act like I can do whatever they want of me.

Whatever you ask, I'll try to be. But in the end, I'm not sure what or who I really am anymore. All I know is I want to change, and when this change comes I get edgy.

Right now, I just wish I knew what the hell was going on.

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