It's a hum-drum day. I go to work and work to quick and now having nothing to do for a while. Just trying to seem busy. Like I'm important.

I made the decision yesterday to bite the bullet and move out. This time it isn't the pill talking.

I wrote out what I thought my expenses would be. I made a plan up. Factored in my violin lessons, cable, cell phone, internet, groceries, gas, some utilities.

I factored in my happiness and sanity.

In turn I ended up with $800 to spend. I figured I could get something from $450 to 600 tops.

My parents agree and have said they'd loan me money if I needed to go.

But in my plan, I pay off my credit card first before I think of doing anything. I have $300 on it. I will take $150 out of next two checks - figure on moving in August maybe, unless I find something in the now. Am going to drive out by one I called on today. Tomorrow will check out others.

So I'm excited and scared at the same time. Told sister that I AM taking the computer because I'll be freelancing and need it. Not to mention, I bought the monitor and paid for the upgrade for it, and yeah let my parents take the other computer I bought. So sorry, it's mine.

She wasn't to happy about it, but unless she wants to give me $600 for a new one, she can kiss ass.

Regardless, this was a snap decision, not likely something I was thinking about since I didn't get the job. But I cannot take it any longer. The decision was fully made last night as I cleaned out drawers and threw out and condensed my stuff realizing I have a lot of stuff to move.

Am happy to be able to pay $600 at least, when I thought I couldn't. Just happy to get away because right now I'm upset with sister and her fiance. The way he treats me and how she just sits there w/o saying a word. He came home and brought her and him some DQ, didn't bring me anything. Nothing. I cannot tell you how many times I've brought them both dinner, once just him dinner with my money. I paid for stuff for both of them many many times.

He handed her, her cup, looked at me and walked out of the room. She said, here have some, I said I dont' want anything. I hate the boy again, how he treats me, puts on airs for my parents, gets jealous when my sister spends time with me.

Tired of him waking me up by being loud, both of them disrespecting me by fucking only feet away, doing things no sane person would do if they knew someone else was right there.

I'm nothing again. Who cares what she thinks.

SO I refuse to talk to him and am treating him the way he treats me now, like shit. He has to earn my respect now because I know he has none for me.

I'm fed up, completely full of his bs and how he is and how my sister turns her fucking cheek. Oh it'll get better, he'll realize, I know what she's thinking. But it doesn't, because I've been through that.

So anyway, my anger is what leads this flight of fancy to freedom from assholes. I feel giddy about it now, and still scared that I won't make it. But have to consider my expenses, no more buying stupid things.

I also had a friend tell me of this high-end consignment shop where they sell high-end plus size clothing. I'm thinking about taking in a lot of the clothes I do not wear, ala dresses. Nearly all with tags still on them. Even if I can get $20 or $50 from it, it's better than nothing.

Like I also said lay in bed last night and thought of fabric collage things I can create. Have many in mind to do, and have more than enough fabric to do it with. So I'm happy to do that. It's easy to me, and everyone comments on the one I made so long ago. So I figure it'll be kinda fun to do for a bit.

So maybe this is the growning up time and now I'm living like a frugal adult and now maybe this is why God didn't let me get that job, but maybe teaching humility.

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pet ramps