Need for new job is very apparent right now as I look at bank account. Have less in there than any other time I can remember since I began employment at current job.
Realized if I lived alone right now i'd be eating whatever I could find in the cabinets, not running the A/C and using feet to take me where I needed to go.

Hate that realization. Very shitty. Hate living in a place where apartments are over priced.

Hoping job comes through in current company, would be a boost just to make at least $4,000 more.

Still. Today felt shutter go through me to see $93 dollars in checking, and realized have written checks for about $175 this past week.

The thing is, it's not that I'm buying clothing. Or silly things like $200 shoes. It's medical bills. $130 for the ankle, $15 for my pills for bacteria infec. and haven't yet received gyn bill, bill for ultrasound and blood work.

Figuring there goes another $130. I get paid on Thurs - probably $650 this time - happy because I also am trying to get a new violin case - $50 - and also start violin lessons - $60 a month.

So yes, money is tight suddenly. I want to pay off credit card, but realize that in order to do that, must budget. Must not spend on stupid things. Have all the clothes I need right now, only buy on sale or whatever.

But I don't think that's an issue anymore. Don't have the money to spend on clothes and do not like the fashions right now. So safe for the time being.

Another thing is buying food. That's another $100 per week to two weeks. It's just crazy anymore.

I'm happy I have all the fabric I need for my sisters wedding fabric collage I'm making. Thank God. So now I'm planning on saving money like a mofo. Something.

I'm planning on visiting my parents in two weeks, so that ought to be something to look forward to.

I also am kinda, sorta talking to a guy who lives in IL. He's a firefighter. Er.

I also am done with those pills I had to take -yay - and now am awaiting results from all tests given. Then probably will be put on something to regulate periods cause I'm supposed to have it like NOW and I don't.

Also have mini yeast infection ... or something? I think it's just irritated from this FTDs spray I sprayed TO close and think all day with walking and it was hot out, I think it got irritated down there ... but it's better I guess today. Odd to be walking around work with a tube of vagisil in my pocket.

I'm also really lazy this week. Just tired for some reason. Enough that yesterday I just stayed in my room nearly all day. Just kind of a hibernation funk. I don't know. I wish I could say I had some good prospects still career wise, but anymore I have lost nearly all hope in a lot of areas in my life and somehow I'm okay with that.

I guess when you've lost everything, you're free to do anything - Chuck Palahniuk - type of thinking. Where I can say fuck this job, I'm moving to Key West or Alabama or Tokyo.

Dare I start looking for jobs in Southern Indiana again? Or whatever? It's hard to know what's good for yourself when you only know of what's bad for yourself.

Right now I think, for a few days I'm going to relax and chill. I hate to think of getting called by the gyn - and probably having to go in ... etc. Hate to think I might be put on pills and then those lovely side effects that I always seem to get full force. Fuckers.

Then feeling hopeless in weight loss suddenly, then hopefull the next minute. I think I just need to focus.

I need to ask myself if I really need these things. These worries, that do nothing for me except bring me down. In a few words, I need to start to follow ... just to let it go. Put it to rest. Get rid of it. Relax. It'll be okay, everything always works out to come to something you get used to good or bad. You get comfortable in that rut cause sooner or later I think you give up.

I think I'm needing a vacation, I'm sorta burnt out from everything, just need to forget about everything of recent . The whole gyn appt really fucked me up, the whole letting someone see me there, the pain, the embarrassment, what a loop that was.

Anyway, trying to re-learn the violin, it's really ... argh. I keep freaking out slowly about playing for that man, but part of me is like whatever he's the teacher to teach me what I'm doing wrong and how to fix it.

I'm trying to get my muscles used to holding the violin, you never realize how much you use in your arms and hands until you're achy. I'm trying to hold the bow right. I never could hold it entirely correctly. I play and then straighten up and move my elbow to be directly under the violin, I keep my fingers straight, and in all of that worrying about correctness I slouch off in playing and soon the bow is sliding and "scratching" ... so I guess that's like life. In that time where you're trying for perfection to make the tune right, you're in turn fucking up yourself by being so out of sorts and wobbly.

I guess maybe I should play naturally, just let my body go and try to remember and not beat myself up when I forget to arch my pinky finger or bend my thumb into the space between the frog and the padding on the bow.

Who said perfection was easy or attainable?

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pet ramps