Well ... today was very very long.

Woke up, showered and began the day shopping. Was disappointed at Lane Bryant's selection. What are they thinking anymore? $80 jeans? Please, you're not the Abercombie.

They had a sale and I tried on some shirts and a skirt. Said F-this and left. Bought two pairs of $12 flip flops at Ayres. My sister yelled at me for spending $25 bucks on flips, but they are nice and neat looking.

SO then we went wedding dress shopping.

Which in turn killed my ankle, it swelled and complained the whole time. I didn't say much, but I knew the time wouldn't be great as the wedding "coordinator" there said "do I know you? You've been here right?"

Me: "NO" and glared.

I said there making dramatic comments of a single girl ... Isn't everyone just fucking happy...Mothers and daughters sharing a moment. Sister and sister here. Can even half of these women wear white even?

It was my sisters turn to glare at me. She made her own observation on how we can be related.

So in all the froo-froo and fluff and sequins, fake pearls, beads, miles of hangers, heavy dresses, I watched other people try on dresses.

We had to wait 40 mins for a room. We picked out 6 dresses for her to try on. We watched others trying on dresses and say yay or nay to each other. People walking around in gowns, formal attire, children in tulle, ribbons, bows, shining things.

Made me want to throw up. My sister and I felt a little overwhelmed, but we didn't say anything.

I kept saying, and realizing. I'll never get married.

Not the marrying kind.

I was feeling suffocated, and feeling and wondering when the men popped the question, and when the babies will come and the happiness ensured for at least a day of white and fluff.

I feel single and feel certain it'll never happen for me. Feeling like maybe I should hit up therapy again. I don't feel worthy. Feel like I'm living life grounded by my own fears and worries.

Anyway, we found a dress she liked. I zipped and buttoned and helped out like anyone should. I looked through some bridesmaid dresses and saw some I liked, but not in the color I needed.

Me: Need to lose weight DEF. now.

Other than this, good news at work is coming through by gossip and me snooping around.

Found out through many connections there that a graphic artist job is going to be opening up where I work. So told the graphic a. managers that I AM interested and to keep me in mind.

So felt pretty good on that. Now, have to sit back and wait, hope that I can hit that mark quickly. Something is better than anything. I'm dreaming of a raise.

To move out, is heaven to me. Just that, alone, a raise, to move out and have violin lessons. I'll take it.

The man can wait or whatever he may be, whatever he decides. I did start talking (internet) to a firefighter in Illinois. He seems nice. He's my age. I also told another guy to buzz off, well two of em' - just wanted a lil sex or whatever they fuck they wanted. I said NO just want relationship.

I am feeling a lil afraid now of all this job talk, what if nothing happens? I'm tired of doing this already. Wondering, worrying. Easy to say stop, but everytime I want to move out...

You know the drill.

Oh well, will try to keep a clear head on it all. If it's meant to be, it'll be BS.

Anyway, I'm finally, FINALLY nearly done with the meds my gyn put me on to clear up any bad bacteria in my body. I take one at 12 am and then at 6 and then DONE. I should also find out the results of all these fucking TESTS I had this week.

Hoping if I go in to see the doc again, I won't have to be spread eagle with the fucking "magic wand" put in my patootie. I dreaded that happening again, and realized I dont' think I even want kids cause that pain I had when she jacked me open, was crazy. At least next time something is put in there, I'll kind of have and IDEA of what'll happen. *ahem*

Plus now, I'm kinda like whatever, look at my naked ass if you want, I don't care.

Anyway, practicing the violin again...sucks. Sorry. It's just frustrating that I have to learn a song and play it for some guy who's been playing all his life so he can like pick at what I do wrong.

I mean that makes me to nervous, so much I just fuck up more.

Plus my ma wants me to play for my sister at her wedding. Jesus Christ, in front of like family, friends...100 people at least. Me.

Playing.

Come on. I can see myself playing...and being like "OH SHIT, LET ME START OVER."

Hoping I'll be GOOD by then, I mean not GOOD, but decent enough to play something short?

Oh well, got to get back on diet, feeling like I've fallen off. Must go to gym tomorrow. Take book, veg out on the exercise bike.

�

pet ramps