I heard some somber news today. I mean it doesn't effect me, but nevertheless, it was sad.

The managing editors grandson died some weeks ago. I never heard the cause, I figured it was from cancer or disease. But today found out the boy was wrestling with his brother and the brother somehow broke the boys neck. He died obviously. But how tragic that was to hear.

I guess illness means lingering on, but accidental death must be far worse. The brother that killed him must feel horrid. How could you live with yourself knowing you killed another human just by playing around?

You think of war and think of deathrow guards and I wonder if they feel any remorse in killing their own kind.

Anyway, I feel weriod w/o my nails on. My hands look strange and I miss my acrylic nails. They were so pretty and nice and so friggin strong. It was amazing how strong they were. But now, I'm down to stubs all for the art of violin playing.

I'm very excited still. I know, just know, now I'll find a job that requires me to quit the lessons. That is what usually happens.

My mom thinks I should play something at my sisters wedding as that's 9 months away. So that's maybe enough time to work on something short and sweet. Maybe if I befriend my teacher he'll play a duet or something. Or maybe not.

Like I said, my luck is just that to get into these lessons and then have to leave. I won't complain though.

It seems like one of my prayers came through with this new thing of lessons. I'm hoping my other two prayers come through now, in no order, job and relationship.

I'm tired of being single suddenly, but am in a drought of men. I talk now and then or get the occasional thing that turns out to nothing. I just wish I could meet some guy and that'd be it. Done.

It seems like everyone is getting married, just married or having a kid, or even buying a house. To me, that news is self defeating. I hear it and realize how I really have nothing in my life.

I was sitting at the nail place yesterday, everyone talking about their boyfriends/husbands/children. I had absolutely nothing to add to the conversation. I felt bad. I felt like a loser mostly. I saw this girl who I was prettier than, and finally thinner than, she had hairy arms and big fingers with tiny nail tips on them. She bragged about her recent marriage.

I keep wondering what's wrong with me? I don't think I'm ugly, I think I'm nice, I'm not a bitch. But still, I get the short end of the stick. Not to throw a pity party for myself, but just observing this shitty thing I got going. I attract the fucking losers of the world if I even attract a man. The guys I'm interested in, aren't in me. Or turn out to be just fucking goons. So what the hell is wrong with me?

Even my 40 yr old friend, who isn't handsome, even cute has a girlfriend now. He says too, I don't know why you're still single.

Why? God? Please let me know?

And why I can't find a job when I have experience, when I'm a good worker. I don't know or think prayer will help with these issues anymore. So what should I do? Lose weight? Be completely different? Not care?

What is it with me? Unloveable? Unwanted? I feel so discarded.

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pet ramps