It's funny when you start reading symptoms of various fatal diseases and stuff how you can relate. You get headaches so you must have a brain tumor.

I just recently noticed a mole on a private area. I mean a mole...there. WTF. I didn't notice the thing before. So I'm all about skin cancer right now. Then I snap back into reality.

Fucking reality.

Okay t- minus one day and counting. Fuck. No sign of period which I'm happy for yet am getting really nervous about swinging up my legs into stirrups like I'm riding a house backwards.

I know, they all say, tell me, that the doc will only be in the other-side-of-Jen area for 5 mins tops. I'm all like 5 mins seems like forever like when you're waiting for a ride and stuff.

I'm not worried and I'm not not worried if that makes sense. My stomach churns to think of sitting buck naked on a table with paper and letting some stranger make a home run with me without buying me dinner first.

Erm, I know it's not like that, but still...it's hard the first time, everything for the first time is nerve racking. But I usually get some sudden state of mind that allows me to be like okay just get this shit DONE WITH already.

I guess my big fear is having to explain my body to someone. I hate explaining. Or feeling like freaky, or having to go in again for some other test cause of this or that. I just hate that shit. Just want to be healthy that's all.

What is funny is I'm like okay when they ask if I'm a virgin, what is the answer? He stuck it in for a minute and that was it. I bled. I guess I'm ... not a virgin in that sense? I hate to think that fuck got my virginity, but in my mind, I haven't had sex yet.
I probably shouldn't have even tried with him, but I figured maybe it would help us grow closer. But in fact it just drew me apart. That point where he said he "accidentally" fell into me...yeah that "OW FUCK" that bellowed out of me. I didn't even want to try it that night, but I felt like I had to.

I don't think he accidentally did anything. Maybe God knew cause he couldn't keep the fucking thing up. He was to nervous or whatever. He had issues with his small dink. I just remember, well now I laugh at it, but after the "accident" he laid there trying to get it "back" and just jerking off.... And cursing and so pissed off. I felt like I should've left the room, I felt so scared. At that point I did'nt even want to try anymore ... ever. So maybe God had a roll in that. Thank you thank you God.

Anyway, people at work have been shitty to me twice now in a week. This one lady I wanted to hurl my chair at. Bitch. Then another chick with a lisp all talking shit to me about something.

Erm.

Okay so anyway, I'm going to make a fabric collage as my sisters wedding present. I'm going to ask my mom and get stuff from my grandma's old clothing and ask her fiance's mom for things to add to it. I'm worried she'll give me one of those ugly ass precious moment cross stitches she did or something. So white ass trash.

Who the shit likes those tear drop eyed albino children?

Just as bad as those "Love Is" cartoons.

There are a lot of people in the world w/ NO taste at all. I'm talking tulle with lights and blue roses - I saw that at a wedding on the wall. Or those fake strings of plastic pearls. Oh man, barf.

I guess I'm more Martha Stewart or Real Style type of clean looking, coolio style. Granted I like some retro or mode stuff. But never, ever anything that consists of fake flowers or anything fake and Walmart looking.

I cannot stand that look. Neat, clean, classic. That's my dig. My sister says I should be a wedding planner because I can find just about anything coolio for a wedding. I found my sisters wedding favors and a place to buy invitations, hell I already found my bridemaid's dress.

Clean, classic. Done. I also picked out her color for her wedding. I mean, fuck when I get married I'll look like I'm "Copying" her because I come up with all these good, creative ideas. That sucks ASS.

Oh well.... I stupidly left on my Yahoo messanger last night ... got up with a million IM's to contend with. I mean it was crazy. People saying, hey why aren't you talking? Don't be mad. Ha.

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pet ramps