It's another hot day here in NW Indiana. This heat-wave is, so far, killer. I'm tired of suffocating air whenever you walk outside or that my sister keeps the house at 80 degrees (no joke) and I sleep with my mini fan on me all night.

I woke up today with cramps and feeling kind of blah. I'm praying I don't get my period as my gyn appt. is Thursday. I'm hoping it's just PMS or a freak occurence. I'm also tired, am breaking out like mad and slightly out of it today. But I think I'm just burnt out from last week and still feel stress for Thursday.

Am beginning to feel, like okay go in and get it over with. I feel kind of worried about if something is wrong, I mean sometimes it's better to pretend everything is alright, but stupid me psyching myself out by reading websites on PCOS or reading about ovarian cancer or reading about tumors and cysts and all types of things.

I know I'm being completely and utterly hypocondriac right now. But I feel scared a lil and just a lil relieved.

I am looking forward to seeing my parents this weekend. Wish my sister and fiance and his kid in tow weren't going, but eh.

Other than this, feeling very very needy of change. Something has got to give soon. This shit dam has got to spring a leak and burst at the seams pretty soon.

So I got my resume/letter/application off to TC. I hope to at least get an interview. I daydream of myself living on this busy, artistic, street in an apartment above a cozy store that sells yarn or some bull shit. Then I see myself joining clubs and violin lessons again and just living and happy to be living alone. Then buying of a pet of some sort, then finding some man to date.

Sorta.

Well that's a day dream that ought to never be because my life seems to give me just 10% of what I want or twists into something that I thought I wanted and it's all back on me again and my failures.

Regardless, it's hard to be happy nowadays it seems, I see so many unhappy people it makes me wonder if happiness is an option in life. I mean I wonder when I'll be fully happy with my lot in life. So far I'm just disgusted with it and disappointed with it all. Makes me wish I wasn't here, dead or never to be. I'd never take my own life, but sometimes I wish I just wasn't another social security number.

Everyone says I'm that "late bloomer" but I feel like this bud has to bloom soon or else it'll just rot internally. Maybe I'm a late bloomer that every time I try to rise up some fucker mows me over.

At this rate I'll be married, if I ever am to be married, by the time I'm 40. I know some people from my highschool that are married with kids and all that jazz. Their kids are like fucking 8 years old and shit.

I look at my life and feel like I'm still that kid that just graduated, confused and not knowing what the fuck they want. Selfish living I guess. Unrelationshipless. Just sick of it all, moving around to find that ... whatever they are looking for. That mid-life-crisis bull shit that John Mayer sings of. What the shit am I going to do with my life? Why can't I find a good relationship? Why do all the shitheaded males choose me?

It sure feels like a daunting task to live as a 28 year old single white female today. If you're not taking off in some direction, seems like you're just growing sideways again.

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pet ramps