Check out my new-ish diary - http://sourgurl77.blogspot.com/

Well I'm in Michigan and yeah I'm in Michigan.

I drove up with my sister last night - a long four hour drive after working all day. I was dog tired, so I kept myself awake by counting road kill - which wasn't many this time around. Usually I try to hit 100, but not this time.

Regardless, I was very upset/unhappy about my realization that my life does indeed suck.

I can't find a job, I can't find a boyfriend and don't make enough/barely makes enough to move out. My sister/boyfriend are "pushing" me out in so many unsaid words, and I'm not going to get that Poodoo job as they haven't even called me and it's been nearly two weeks (I'm calling them Tuesday to interrogate them) ... and well yeah.

I foresee nothing changing for me soon. Or soon enough, which depresses me. It's just a sad thing...and I'm feeling depressive again and was thinking, you know I have absolutely nothing in my life right now.

I figured on how death wouldn't be such a bad thing because it seems everyone is well on their way except me - and feeling like I'll never be on any path except one that goes in circles.

So now I'm going to hold back on my college education ... and going to try to move out. - At that same time - I feel my life is up and down and it's hard to have to move out then get a job far away and have a lease to break, etc.

Regardless, I'm feeling mighty low for some reason lately - as my therapist would say it's because I hate my job - I'm not sure what she'd say about anything else. Probably telling me that I'm not trying hard enough, not enough effort given for the ending wanted.

I also chatted w/ that guy at work I like. He emailed me after I sent out a nasty email to everyone about missing ads. So we did a few ... "nice" emails and there was a mention of an "ex." And I wondered ex-wife or girlfriend? He divides his time between two offices, and only comes to our office once a week - to which he did NOT come in yesterday, therefore didn't reply to my last email, which was very basic and maybe un-replyable.

SO it's like well ... did he want to chat? Or was he just being nice?? It's so hard to tell.

Fucking boys ... however I'm not going the way I did before. I, from now on, am going this route - he shows interest, I'll show a little and then he must be the one to come back - and show interest/calls/dates. Fuck this bull shit of me chasing guys and me being the one who keeps the relationship going. No way ... no how.

Anyway for my sisters wedding I bought here a great wedding planner off of Amazon along with an etiquette book. The friggin' planner won't get here until July - due to being backordered! I was like son of a bitch man! But I guess that's only a few weeks away already.

Then my gyn appt fiasco will be a hot topic on here. However my period is going right now and knowing it, it should end by Tuesday or...keep on going and going and by June 30th I can call in and be like get the birth control ready cause guess what? I'm still raggin.

I'm kinda hoping for that, but at the same time just want to get it all done with. Still a mini meeting, like hi, my body is fucked up, drug me up. Seems do-able. Then a month or so later, another appt to go under the hood for real and do all the scrapping and stuff.

And unfortunately, this gyn does breast exams as part of the "exam" ... which I don't really mind as better to be safe than sorry and I'll take that over a mammogram any day (I have smaller boobs therefore probably would be smashed flat by the mammogram machine)...nightmares ensure I tell you.

Oh yeah, I get to chose my dress for the wedding ... yay. I'm thinking something like .. hm...I don't know - her color is blue - like wedgewood blue - to my dress ought to be that color ... I was thinking one of those retro looking frocks. You know like 50's style.

But I have to BUY this dress...soo yeah. All I know is no sleeveless! I'll bang that on a drum...no no no sleeveless! Boom boom boomm... sorry but plus sizers can't do that. And I know a lot of the plus sizers have large breasts...I cannot imagine that in a sleeveless thing ....
I guess I should be happy for my lil' girls - as not to be top heavy and bottom heavy, over all heavy.

Oh yah I'm also going on a diet/exercise like crazy thing. I'm starting I think this upcoming week - start out slowly and then keep up w/ it!

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pet ramps