Oh man what the fuck is it with people making movies and ruining things.

Like ... my Aeon Flux ... I loved that show on MTV. I mean I adored it! I was addicted and now they updated the MOVIE site and I looked at the "story" and it's not even ... the same as the show!

WTF! Argh. I wonder if Aeon Flux will still be a foot model in the movie, like foot fetish model and assasin or whatever the hell she was.... SIGH!!

Oh anyway, man alive what a long arse day. I bought stuff to grout and caulk the tub upstairs but feel kinda of like WHY cause I'm praying I get the Poo-Due job and then I can move and then get my own place and stuff.

Still it's easy to get stuck in your rut and make a nest out of the thick shit you call your life.

So easy to slip and slide and rest for a while and then froth cause you're starting to hate more.

It makes you jealous of those happy people. Like I want to hide in the shadows and hiss ... you don't fucking know what you got, be grateful .... Like I'm some broken doll or something.

My diary is very boring now, it's blah blah this and that. I need something to happen because I am grade A mediocre.

The only exciting thing that happened to me today was ... a meeting with the publisher that I kind of spaced out through. It ended like ... what the hell was that meeting about?

I also realized today, that I curse a lot. I mean more than normal. I don't know what happend, but I have a bad potty mouth on me now. At work people curse all the time and at home too everyone curses. So it's easy to be like, fruck this, fruck you!

I'm trying to come up with clever, non-curse taunts. Lately I just call my sister "trash heap" because we always kid and stuff. Or I call her "toe" cause she has gross feet.

I didn't go to the gym today as I had to do some shopping - I feel like ... yuck I need to work out 3 to 4 times a week again.

I quit WW so I don't have to worry about that snatch leader who is balding, looking at me funny because I gained .5 pounds or lost .2 and be happy about .2 and want to say, what the shit is .2? A fart?

Anyway, I thought about ex-boyfiend today for some reason. When I say "thought" I mean raged in my mind for a few and ranted and got pissed off.

I can't think about the boy/child/disease w/o feeling like I'm going to crack someones head open when I hurl my chair across the room.

I'm not sure why I have this rage. I think because A. I let him shit all over me and I took it/compromised myself and B. It didn't work out, I had to explain to everyone why, etc.

And I keep getting a major *shutter* feeling when I think of how I gave him blow jobs. Nauseous comes to mind. Yuck, why did I do that? I mean I really didn't like doing it and anymore with the next guy I don't know if I can do that again. It was just the spunk that I didn't like...yuck yuck yuck. How do gay guys do it? Man I dreaded that pre-c stuff ... *SHUTTER!!!!******

I could become bulmic just thinking about that every time I ate something.

So yeah I'm kind of in life-limbo right now. I want to change, and move and run but I'm in quick sand and time is going slow and things could pan out, but like on TV you have to wait for the next episode and then the season finale.

I am hankering for a new job - and it's funny to see that my ambition has died down a bit. Maybe I've come to relax and I do feel like I've matured lately. But I do know, I know I need to be more optimistic, not so bitter and sarcastic. My sister said the past few days I've been nice and happy - not my brooding self. I try to smile and be friendly more ... now ... but sometimes when I'm regreting and hating it's difficult to turn that around.

It's just right now ... in the road of life, I'm at the rest area trying to figure out how to get back in the fast lane cause I've been behind a truck hauling pigs for some time now. Shit on and moving slow and afraid to pass ... the unknown.

Eh, I see progress, but I also see sameness. Life is strange. And I'm missing something right now, I'm missing having that extra someone. Now it's just my sister and pooks.

And they both have other things.

Finding someone is hard ... plus my life is such that tomorrow I could be going away and moving. There are times when I wonder if I'm ready or receptive or whatever. I figure God will do the job for me. I wonder if I'm pretty enough for that guy or to fat or to werid or whatever.

I know what I want, and to me, the only way to get it, is to move away. Start anew and do it on my own. Push myself and change.

Sounds so good on paper, in reality, so hard to attain.

Oh well ... tomorrow is Thursday and then Friday then the weekend. Next week I'm going to drive to Michigan to see my parents for a few days. I miss them a lot, I needed them so much when I broke it off with my ex.

I got over him quickly.

Now I need to get over myself, my own thoughts and dreams and things. It's hard to do. To change.

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pet ramps