Today is about balance.

I talked with a few people in whispers about my interview yesterday and realized everyone is looking for some type of balance in their life.

Right now I feel I'm balanced that my career sucks and my love life sucks! Yay for me being a losar!

Yeah I know, I'm not, and I am doing something about the career aspects of my life.

My love life can fuck off. It's not a priority in my life and I'm still timid about getting hurt.

I'm like that Jack Johnson song ... "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing." I'm waiting on Mr. Whoever-is-next. I've had a couple of maybe's, but in those it's like man you're a goon step off because you ain't gonna treat me like shit. I can see if a guy is serious or not.

I've had a lot of guys, all of them lately, who just want to fuck around.

I talk to this one guy - man we've chatted for at least two or so years now. He's coolio, we talk about everything from masterbation to dog training tricks. But we've always been in a friend mode. And he went through a "I hate women" time and now is past it. And now I'm in my "I hate men" stage and trying to get past it, but he seems to be playing games with me like acting like he's interested and shit.

I'm like, WTF are you doing?

To me it's like ... oh I see, weak minded female, easy FUCK. He said I needed a "boy toy" ... a fuck boy ... no strings boy.

Let's see where that is leading.... We all can guess who that could be.

So I just do not understand what having sex solves? Dude I TRIED it twice and each time was fucking stressful. And when my ex-boyFIEND tried to get me off I never fully enjoyed it because he never seemed to really get me hot.

I know with a man who appreciates me and loves me and someone I don't have to worry on, that I'm sure getting off is easier....

But with that experience, who the hell wants to fuck around again? Fuck that I'll fuck myself and save myself the trouble.

*ahem*

So anyway, it's funny to see people on different levels. People trying to find jobs and what the fuck they want to do with their life and that shitty confusion ... been there.

And people older than me who today I realized are in similar situations. This lady at work looking for a new job cause she hates her job ... and she's like my Mom's age. It's strange to see.

Like...fuck ... I thought this job searching and confusion ended when you got older.

And now I realize it doesn't and I hate to think that I might be job jumping for the rest of my life.

Be some 40 year old bitching about how she can't find a decent job and a decent guy.

OH MY GOD. *Shock* I cannot become that. I'm almost *gulp* ... 30 ... oh man I feel that clock ticking. I feel like I need to get married and push out some kids so I can be "normal" and not one of those sad people with 5 cats and a bull dog named rose.

So in fact, my bitterness is leaving with this thought and now I'm like ... if I get that job in West Lafayette ... men, guys, boys, it's a college and ... populated and a whole new ball game.

I pray to get that job. Or give me a job in Chicago, anywhere but here ... somewhere new. I've used up all the area men and they all sucked ass.

It makes me say, where to people meet people? Where do girls find their husbands? Where do guys find their wives?

Oh well, I have to sign up for classes pretty soon, but I'm waiting to see about my interview.

Oh yeah, I think I'm dying or something too. Sorry to drop it on you like that.

But if I die and you hear about it, say, read Jen's diary cause she had all the signs of _____ whatever.

I have unexplained weight loss (well I don't know as I have Taco Hell for lunch .. callupa meal...barf), bruises that never heal - take FOREVER to heal loss of appetite and feeling dizzy lately.

What the SHIT is going on with my body? Seriously, since I was sick my body has been acting very strange.

Not that I mind weight loss, but oddly it's like I haven't been exactly eating at my best.

I go to the GYN at the end of June and I seriously can't wait till she takes a peak at my coo because I think I might have cysts or something wrong...my irregular periods ... something is going on in my uterus. Some party I'm not invited to.

I'm slightly worried because it could be nothing too. I also don't like some stranger looking at my crotch and tits ... but fuck I'm tired of wondering.

I had a breast exam once in high school and felt so molested. Yuck. I can't imagine how I feel when the doc looks under the hood and I lay there as she sticks shit in me and scraps stuff and I wonder if I'm normal downtown. My ex never said anything while he was downtown on me, so I'm assuming all my parts are there.

*ahem*

Oh well I wanted to hit the gym today but can't cause I have to go grocery shopping and I'm still tired from yesterday 100 hour long day.

I'm busy at work and really feeling like I need to get out of that place cause I'm so unchallenged I'm like getting stupid or something.

It was hard to unlock my brain to do the editing test yesterday. I couldn't read this one page ... like I couldn't comprehend the words on the page. Duhh

Oh well, now I'm feeling ... like with my revealation about stuff ... that I should find a boyfriend again. But not exactly LOOK for one, but to not be so ... whatever and think all guys are out to fuck me over. Some just want to fuck me. Yeah okay. That's okay too, but okay I'll stop being an ice queen.

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pet ramps