It's been a kind of long day. Granted it's only 5:00.

I've done a whole lot of nothing today. I went to the gym, washed clothes, watched a movie.

That guy I've been talking to wants to take me out tonight, but I don't much feel like it ... doesn't feel right ... I think we need to talk more before I do a date thing as I know so little about him.

Anyway, he's calling me today and I'll tell him how I think we should wait a little bit.

I got my acceptance letter to graduate school, I have "conditions" though and I don't know why ... I need a 3.0/4.0 for the next "two academic sessions" and required to receive no grade below a "B" for the next 12 credits.

That's like ... get an A or B for the next FOUR courses I take.

Not that I intend to get an F in any class I take, but what the fuck are these rules? I mean that's some pressure there.

I mean I know if I'm only taking ONE course per semester or two, I SHOULD be getting A's ... but fuck me that sucks that I have to be like WORRYING about that. I mean as a student it IS a worry, but not enough to be like OH I CAN GET KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL IF I GET A C.

That's shitty. I pay for the class, so why do they care? And is this for EVERY student entering for a masters degree?

Oh well, I'll calm down and now I have to go meet with my counselor I'm guessing and register for classes.

It kind of feels weriod cause my life feels up in the air again like at the next moment I could be moving to where ever ....

Now I'm like, where will I be in 3 months from now? Now I'm like, maybe I should've waited to go through with this. Now I'm like, feeling really confused because now I'm feeling like I did a long time ago.

What the HELL am I doing?????

Anyway, I hear people talking outside the house and I don't know who it is. My sister went off this morning with boyfriend to Chicago - did'nt tell me. This boy worked 10 to 7 am and has not even been to bed. He works at 4 am tomorrow until noon.

I want to say, are you always this careless?

But then I see myself sitting at home, alone and having zero to do and hating my life and suddenly I don't care.

All I care about right now is getting a new job and getting the fuck out of here. I'm talking about moving out AND doing college.

I don't know if that'll bring me happiness, but it's what I want right now.

I just want to get to a point where being alone and being on my own .. that I'm OK with that.

Like OK I understand I'm a loner, but why do I feel like a loser??

Then I have this guy asking me out when I bitch about how I never go out ... and now I'm going to tell him 'NO'?

Yeah, I don't make sense. I know.

I got my WW book today - the food companion so I can see what are okay CORE foods. Nix the fact that I had pizza for lunch. You CAN say the meat and sauce and green pepper are on CORE.

So the cheese and crust aren't. So how the fuck do you count that?

Oh well, I was losing weight and my period did stop and I lost my water weight in a zillion trips to the bathroom Friday. I have been drinking a lot more milk too, and feeling better. My sore throat returned the past few days but it's gone again.

Oh and Monday I'm going to see Star Wars.

And everything IS okay in my life, I know I bitch a lot, but it's tantrums because it's always a struggle for me to get the things I want.

Whereas others - my sister for instance - things just HAPPEN. She mets her boyfriend on a whim ... only being broken up w/ the last one for like a month. BOOM Now they speak of marriage.

She always knew what she wanted to be. She got into school easy, got her masters easy, got a job - though did have to wait a shocking couple of weeks -not a month- for a job, THEN got her dream job easily.

While me ... I've always been this confused person. I find a boyfriend who's a dud and who fucks up my thinking and I end up in therapy. I get my dizzney job - always wanted but had to fight for - end up hating it. Work in Michigan for no money. Get back and work for my 2nd dream job and take a lower on the wrung of the ladder of my career and LOW pay ... just to get in to find out they won't let me move around. So now I'm back to looking for jobs.

I apply to graduate school, get accepted, BUT have these "conditions" that I don't like. I can't afford to move out AND go to college. So I have to stay with my sister and her boyfriend and hear them kissing or FUCKING.

So it's hard to be un-bitter and be optimistic in my life right now when I have all this SHIT for me to fix and clean up.

I don't know if I'll ever be happy, what I want ... a job I feel that I am at the top of the ladder for, paid well (not asking for 100,000 ... but for God's sake, 30 or 35 at least) ... and a man who loves me.

Love as in, attentive and someone who'll be there for me. That's ALL I ask. Just fucking BE THERE FOR ME and use your GOD DAMN brain and realize that when you don't CARE ENOUGH TO EVEN call me or see me or do cute things ... that yeah you don't love me .....

It's a lot to ask for and thankfully I have some ambition to know I CAN GET THESE THINGS.

And PLANNING is the key.

I feel like, and know this is probably wrong to some ...that I have to lose weight to get some of these things.

Sorry, but it seems a lot of the time (re-read that, A LOT OF THE TIME) the "fat girls" (me) end up with these fucking losers.

Granted there are nice guys out there and there are thin girls with dick guys ... but speaking from a fat gurls perspective ... 80% of the guys that hit on me are fucking losers.

Like cause I'm fat, I'll take ANYTHING.

Okay sorry to be Miss. Bitter ... I'm trying to be BRIGHTER, really I am. I just need to get these things cleared out first.

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pet ramps