I'm feeling slightly tired this morning as my sister got up at 4:30 am to go on some school trip, then my parents came up to say goodbye because they were leaving at like 5 ish.

I wanted to say, please please let me sleep.

It was a fast visit and I really miss my parents though I hardly saw them, just for two dinners and a lunch.

It was so nice to go out and eat, I haven't done that in ages ... I mean no boyfriend and sister who is always with her boyfriend, and my friend lives in Florida now ... therefore I'm a "loner" now.

I don't mind, but sometimes I do.

What has been bugging me is my sisters boyfriend asked my parents for my sisters "hand" in marriage. I'm like...uh ... you haven't even known each other a year?

I mean they are only one month ahead of when I met my ex-boyfiend ... so that's saying they've only been dating for 7 months?

But I know if I were in her shoes I'd be like okay! Marriage!

So the chat these past few days has been about MARRIAGE. And fuck ME if her fucking boyfriend wasn't at every meal with us.

I really was pissed because A. I live with him and don't want to see him and B. I wanted some FAMILY TIME.

I told my sister this but yet there he was tagging along.

Then I got to feeling, okay yay every women except ME in this family has someone.

I'm this fucking left out person again and again. I'm never going to find anyone and I just want to leave here because I'm still trying to heal from my last relationship and still feeling broken and untrusting inside and here everyday I get this SHIT put in my face.

Yesterday I told my mom I just want to MOVE and get out of here. She said I was running away and I said WHAT IS HERE FOR ME!?!?!?

My sister is always with the goon, I hardly do ANYTHING with her, maybe once every two weeks ... I hate my job and I hate living here.

What do I have here???? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

It's hard not to feel loser-ish when I'm job hunting and no interviews or people like this one company who keeps calling and sorry I WORK ... and never home to take the call.

It's disheartening to say the least when at this moment the only thing I have in my life is my so called career.

I need a serious change in my life and I'm trying to make it, but it's so hard. I'm so so so tired of how my life is going, everyone knows it and I'm so 100% tired of living here.

I start college in August, but I'm praying to somehow be out of here by then.

I half heartedly want to look for jobs in Florida again, but that in itself is a feat.

I did apply to a radio job in Chicago yesterday for ... dizzney ... so maybe I'll get that as I have worked for them before.

Other than these pressing issues, my throat is hurting again for some reason. I hope I'm not getting sick again, I can't afford to lose anymore days at work....I'm also supposed to be getting a raise, but I know that'll be so small I won't even notice that I'm making like a dime more or whatever the fuck they pay me.

Anyway, sorry to be so bitter, but I'm just so tired of how I live, I just hate it. It's hard to be happy when right now I feel like I have nothing tangeable in my life. I know a man doesn't define a girl, but I feel like everyone "pities" me because I'm "alone." And everyone tells me I'm great, I'm pretty, I have everything, but somehow that does not translate to dates ... or men approaching me other than here and there. It's like what the fuck? The only guy I'm interested in, lives kind of far away - past Chicago I believe ... and I hate long distance things.

Oh and yesterday this lady asked how my ex-boyfiend was...I was like ... I wouldn't know ... and she was like oh...OHHhh..I didn't know. I said it's been a month or so now. She said ..."I'm sorry." I said..."I'm not."

Then it occurred to me, that I have not thought about him for a while. I mean sometimes I'll have a passing thought about something, but lately, he's not crossed my mind. They say that that is one of the final stages of "getting over it" ... when you realize you haven't thought about that person in X amount of days. I know I'll always have a thought about him or any other guy I've known/seen pass through my thoughs ... as fuck I still remember when I went on a date when I was 23 ... but I guess it comes to a point where it just doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter to me, plus I think "talking" with other guys helps because lately my thoughts are consumed by the "nice guy" ... I feel bad cause I kind of shit on him and ignored him because I was really busy ... he's probably feeling like how I felt so long ago. But eh ... I'm in no hurry for a relationship, so. But my old found crush on that guy at work has been rekindled somehow after chatting with him about something or other. I want to say, make the move you dummy. Just make the move.

*Sigh* I did have my tarot read and it did say I am just about to meet my "soul mate." Uh huh. And he'll be athletic and dark slightly curly hair ... and have a 2-year old....WHAT? Yeah she said that and I wanted to say...uh no. Oh and she sees a "D" and he'll be in the same job search as me and and .... whatever lady.

Anyway I went to the gym once this week, I was going to go tonight but I'm feeling kinda blue right now and tired. I'll go Sat/Sun I think and begin anew next week.

I just feel a lot of hate in myself right now and I'm trying to get past it. My therapist said I'm unhappy due to my career, but I think it's mainly because I want what everyone else has ... I just want that career and a home to go home to where I'll be content. Is that to much to ask for? I haven't lived in a home for a year now.

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pet ramps