I've been feeling pretty blah lately. I'm not sure if it's having to do with my job situation or with having no one.

The new guy who calls me, just to me, seems ... like he needs someone just to talk to on the way home from work - granted he always is asking for me to make him dinner and he'll be there in 10 mins. To me that's unconventional dating, to the, there are rules to abide to, especially when it's "off the internet" type of thing.

Don't pretend we're already "friends" and don't try to rush into some happy thing when we haven't even met because in meeting you know if you want to continue with that person.

Right now I'm disgrunted and he says I'm jaded in relationships. I told the people at work about ex-boyfriend and they say congratulations you now have baggage. We all laughed and I gave the thumbs up and said "alllrightt!!! I've got baggage! yay!"

But in fact I am jaded and do have a lil baggage ... most of all I'm just kind of vulnerable right now. I do not want to A. get hurt or B. get into another shitty relationship.

Because all I think of anymore is all the BAD things in my past relationship. All the shit I put up with, turing my face to comments and situations...most of all ...compromising myself, my intergrity ... to someone who obviously to everyone except me, was using me. I think I knew, but just denied that too.

But enough on that, I try to cast it out of my mind and thankfully I've started to stop thinking so much about it. That bs one day at a time saying where I get over it and over it again.

Anyway, my weight loss is going okay. I hit the gym hard time...well did last week and this week have gone Monday and yesterday ... I'll go today or tomorrow and then Sat or Sun.

So I'm aiming at 4 times a week now, maybe 3 if I'm busy. I figure it takes 2 weeks to make it a habit and this is kind of my second week.

Still I feel shitty cause I have not kept on point with WW. I always fall into this lazy phase when I told myself last week that this week I was going to stay on target ... but alas I haven't!

They say to get back up again once you've fallen off the horse, but ... that gets tedious when you keep falling off. You kind of have to have a sit-down with yourself. Which is something I need to muse on.

I also applied for a job I KNOW I can do and DID while I was in Michigan - Spec. Sec. Coordinator. I pray to get an interview.

My therapist just talked about my career last time and told me what to do ... very good points she made about doing follow ups. How I need to show integrity ... and just try try try to put myself up there in front.

So I am really going to call this place I put my resume into and say, hi just making sure you got my resume, any questions?

Yikes, that is scary to do, but what have I got to lose?

Anyway, she told me something when I first saw her that's been on my mind since that day. I told her I lived with my sister and her boyfriend. She stopped and looked up and said ... well isn't that uncomfortable? Ehh...

I was like...wow...I thought it was just me who did not like that type of situation ... my MOM seems to think it's all OK. When in fact SHE DOES NOT FUCKING HAVE TO LIVE WITH THESE FUCKING lovebirds and hear fucking, sloppy kisses and walk-in in INTIMACY EVERY FUCKING DAY.

The thing is, which makes me want to cry, is that I can either move out, or go to college. I cannot do both. I dont' make enough to.

SO I have to do this daily shit thing, where look at me all broken-hearted and jaded, walk into fucking a love DEN, have that thrown in my face everyday. And treat said boyfriend like he's family when he grates on my nerves and sometimes I despise him so much.

So I pray to GOD I GET this job at the paper - away from here - where I could most likely MOVE OUT and go to college.

I know my self esteem is low because I can't see them even interviewing me because they are complete FUCKS. I've applied before to things I was up to working for ... and never was called.

But let's be somewhat positive ... as my new cover letter and resume are kick ass and with me calling, maybe that'll be the secret ingredient.

If not, I guess I'll keep trying.
I guess I'm your regular fucking engine that could or whatever.

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pet ramps