Some of these diaryland ... mini "ads" for supposedly "good" diaries..are really stupid.

Albeit I have gone and found myself a few good "readings" from some snazzy mini ad's. However the majority suck ass, are stupid, silly ... they scream "notice me" but in that scream, there is a need to ignore it. Like a car alarm that's going off outside, you just go about your business.

Anyway, I saw Sin City tonight - I really dig that stuff. That whole "graphic novel" aka comic book type of writing/dialogue where everything is fast and spelled out. Things are said quickly and condensed to a straight to the point or said brutally.

My favorite line ... this guy tells this girl "baby you know I'll always love you."
The girl says, "always and never."

I loved it, so much is said in just three words....

So I felt like, you know that's how I feel with ex-boyfIEND. As much as he says he'll "always" love me...it's more like that "always and never" thing.

SO I liked the movay - and loved that this guy sat one seat away from me and fell asleep. I hear soft snoring, then louder snores. He was the type of guy I would date, and loved how in this one moment, such an intimate, personal thing as SLEEPING, such restless abandonment of yourself as becoming unconscious in a room full of people you don't know (well besides your friend next to you) ... it was just odd and weriod to realize for me.

So yes, sometimes and most of the time I seem to realize and see things other people don't see or realize or even understand.

OKAY GUESS ... who called me today? NY - New Guy!! "Lou" ... yes he called. So today, just forget me ranting in my last entry ... but for Gods Sake ... the mofo called me!

After I had given up hope on the boy, he calls and is chipper and we chat a bit and he wants me to cook for him tomorrow and I say nooo I dont' know you and we kinda sorta in a weriod ... way make a plan to meet tomorrow. I mean I don't know if he was being for real with "see you at 5 at your place" or if he's afraid to ask me out formally?

To me...as a girl, I am seeing something new in guys ... like a sixth sense, like reading between the lines. Just these signals that I get ALL the time, but never listen to/pay attention to.

Just simply, him ... asking me to COOK for him, this fast, already. To me...I think that means this guy is shopping for a relationship.

Call me nutty, but my last fucker never asked for me to cook for him - or he cooked for me on the third date, then finally I cooked him Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas dinner.

So to me, the fact of COOKING means a lot. It means I care for you enough to make you a meal ... not buy it ... but take time to make it. That spells out ... forget a restaurant, I want just us, romance?

Maybe I AM reading to much into this, but to me for ME to cook a guy a meal? Well sorry buster, you have to date me a few times ... and win my heart.

Right now, my heart is a bit sarcastic and afraid of letting it totally be itself.

I just feel like now, with guys ... that I don't want to do all the SHIT I did for my ex ... how I bent over backwards, did EVERYTHING to please him, I was ... just such a dope. So stupid.

I thought, I wanted that, I thought if I did everything that he would love me and change. I thought I would set examples, that simply by showing this kind, loving person...things would be okay.

But they weren't and they didn't and now I'm here all bruised in my heart and feelin' stupid in my mind and not wanting to fall into this stupid girl in love act.

Fuck me I wasn't even in LOVE with my ex, I thought I was, I thought I knew it, but ... I know now...I wasn't. I was infatuated with the feelings and the excitement.

Anyway, apart from this all ... I am trying to remain open ... just meet this new man .... what is great is this man has been in my shoes. He too dated a person w/ baggage and he too was the one who was trying to make a lopsided relationship straight.

So I'm in no hurry. I will not let myself fall for this stranger, but already I feel myself getting nutty just by him not calling me ... for two days ... simply by that I got nutty? Please Jen you know better.

Anyway, sorry to update twice today, but I was just so happy that he called me, the world felt right again and ... sometimes, even if things dont' work out, it's nice to have a moment where you did feel like things were okay.

But still I get bitter seeing happy couples and kids and families when lately I've been feeling so alone and helpless ... like things will never get better and how I'll end up alone and bitter and like my ex- a fucking lonely loser who only cares about themselves.

I guess that is my "borderline depression" talking and I feel good to go Tues to see my therapist.

But I feel hope somehow and that's what keeps me going I swear. Hope hope hope, to know things will get better, then worse, then better.

Just a rough patch, then a good line ... then whatever.

Oh well, I take my stuff in for college Monday though ... I can't seem to get my shit together, I will print everything out tomorrow. It'll be fun to go back and this lady at work says I'll meet lots of boys there.

But somehow, I always feel like I'm just this girl no man wants. This is low-self-esteem talking. I know I'm not a supermodel, but I do think I'm at least pretty in a way, cute the very least. My mom says I look put together and so soft and untouchable. Maybe this false front, this perfect wall I put up is what makes guys afraid to approach me even though I look approachable and inviting.
I say weight loss is the key even though I'm not horribly over weight. Tonight I saw a woman at the theater and asked my sister if I was about her size and she said yes...I realized, that woman .. is ... normal.

That shocking thing, being "normal" just so I can "fit in" and see that even if I lose weight, I'll always feel this way.
Always feel my body isn't up to par for anyones eyes but my own.

OKAY enough bull shit talk. My stomach is cramping up ... my period has been WACKY. I don't know if it's due to stress? But it feels like it's been going for two months straight. Crazy.

Anyway right now I'm praying that I don't get stupid again with guys. No more guys with baggage. I can't tell you how many mornings I'd lay next to the ex-hex and listen to him sleeping and starring at the door and thinking ... this must've been what his wife did...when she wanted to leave and had this TIME to think about it and to lay next to him and know this as he lays there dreaming that it's all okay. Then he awakens and looks at you with this FALSE love and you smile back as if it's okay.

Yes, women know first and are over and out of love before it ends.

We were thrown out of Eden for being to smart and sly .. and now ... we still pay.

�

pet ramps