I know I haven't updated in a while.

It's been up and downs lately. Currently I'm in a mid-level thing. Like this guy was calling me ..."Lou" from a nearby town. He was coolio - 32 and stuff ... however ... he called me twice - ended w/ "I'll call you tomorrow" ... and then he didn't.

Didn't call me Friday and it's like...wtf happend?

I realize I'm not ready for a relationship(t) again, I know I should'nt be this sensitive about someone who I'm not even interested in ... not calling. I guess ATTENTION of any type is what is what I want. Fuck the person, if they give attention, that's all I want.

So I'm looking at the personal sites I'm on and it's been quiet or I get fucking teenages/early 20's ... or some fucker from Gary who has nothing. Got these folks who want a free ride, asking if I own my house (hello ...no) these fucking uneducated, gas station working fuckers.

So yesterday I was like, okay ... the GYM will be my new boyfriend because I can go Friday, Sat. and Sunday.

It SUCKS to realize ... that I have to spend time at home with SISTER and boyfriend mutant mix.

I don't really have the monay to go shopping anymore, and it's like fuck maybe I'll become some bookstore geek and sit there sometimes.

I figure I'll meet someone ... somewhere, that I should'nt be in a hurry because right now, I want to change my job - that means I look in Chicago. That means, I look all over, thinking about moving to Indianapolis or to Florida. Anything is possible.

So if you ask how I am, right now I really am just ... living.

Coming and wishing for that day where I realize that I haven't thought about ex-boyfriend today. But I somehow fucking think of him suddenly and I cast the thought away. I figure, I knew him and he was nearly my life for 5 months ... so forgetting someone quick isn't an option. Hell I still think about that one dude I went on ONE date with.

I guess what I want - and what I'm beginning to see ... is how now, I am feeling nothing for the man. Anger is gone and now it's like okay what's next now?

So whatever is clever dude.

My sister just called and asked if I went to the store...if I bought tide or TP ... I said no I just bought meat for myself and made sloppy jo's...she says..."just for yourself?" I say ... "yes."

So I'm sure now it'll be "you never buy tide/tp" talk. When this is the second time she's had to buy that stuff, when she and fuck face/kiss in front of me/fuck in the next room as I cover my ears ... boyfriend wash clothes so fucking much ... when I wash about once a week ... two loads.

Tell me why I should buy tide when they wash like fucking 10 loads a week?

And TP ... they buy that foo-froo shit where after one wipe the TP roll is half way gone. Fuck that I buy scott's 1000 sheet rolls where a roll lasts like 2 fucking weeks.

Oh ya and boyfriend has shit problems. He goes poo like 4 times a day - no joking.

But since when do I have to supplement them ... I don't mind buying that stuff sometimes, but fuck you I could buy one bottle of tide and a pack of TP and live on that for a while.

Yeah, I know I need to move out...which is why I'm looking for a new job/going back to school.

So for now, I can only do whatever to appease these people. I just want my life to get STARTED. I want to not be that person everyone has to worry about making it.

It's like I'm so much more talented than half these FUCKS who have high paying jobs.

So right now, I'm all about job and weight loss.

Those will get me where I want to be because hello it's a superficial world. And I feel self conscious and don't like how I look therefore who else will like me if I dont' even life myself?

Anyway I see my therapist on Tuesday. I can't wait because I'm getting back to feeling depressed suddenly. Sometimes you need someone to just TELL you what you are.

Oh I have to get going before my sister comes home and begins bitch fest about how I don't buy enough whatever whatever.

We lost electricity last night and my fish tank filter stopped. Man fish are messy cause the water is cloudy and yucky. I am going to have to totally take out some water and put fresh in. yukkk.

Oh well ... I got my nails done too and they look good, I like my nail tech. I couldn't do a backfill due to time constraint, so she just did a normal fill and painted a pink on top where you can still see the french manicure look. I go back in 3 weeks - for a backfill finally. I do like talking to her though, therapist part 2?

I need to ask my therapist why I feel like I should have a boyfriend again. Like I'm incomplete w/o someone? I think I feel pressured to get married/have kids from parents...because they always talk about it.

Always always and my sister is all about getting married to said boyfriend ... and having kids. She says how he wants kids now.

Now now now now.

I, this perpetual late bloomer. When will I finally get myself to open up to the sun?

�

pet ramps