I really hate when I write a long, drawn out diary entry. I thought about it after I published it last night in my quiet, bitter rage.

I realized that I don't want to seem bitter or rageful right now.

Today, for instance, I feel so much better! Yay for me. A lot of the stuff has been lifted somehow. The ol' brain said fuck this shit and released some items of no need.

I cleaned out my room today - well my ol' Michigan room. It's weriod to go through stuff from 2 years of your life. Even my cruise shit ship ... uhh ship stuff.

Then spending time here with the parents, it's like old times.

However I am beginning to feel anew finally. I'm trying to think of how to tackle this week of shit eating and no exercise, thinking possibly I've gained 10 lbs. I'm figuring when I get home I'll hop back on WW instantly and hit the gym religiously.

There, enough on that ... that's basically all I CAN do.

Anyway, I'm also feeling like okay am looking for new career, but just kind of getting back into the groove of my life pre-fuck face where I wasn't in therapist mode.

But now I feel a lil' scared about having to (possibly) change jobs again ... therefore change that comfort zone and having to get used to and learn something new. Though I know staying where I'm at won't produce any good feelings anytime soon other than the day to day mundane I'm so used to and sick of.

Regardless, I bought a book on writing yesterday - tips and motivation. Story starters as well. You know like ... one was ... write a scene where you realized you were depensible. Shit like that.

I liked it and bought it. I also bought a new shirt, make up and a new spring purse.

I'm still writing down those three things I like about myself ... though it's kind of hard not to write ... I like myself for not telling someone to fuck off when they pissed me off.

I like myself for fucking up my life and realizing at the last minute I'm worth it.

Stuff like that, I just know wouldn't fly with this lady. My therapist reminds me of Dr. Sue - that sex talk lady - for some reason. Kinda looks like her and is jolly like her. Strange.

Anyway, I'm waiting to go ... to the "big city" ... Michigan is very boring. I don't know what my parents do all day here. I'm here bored and wanting to be DOING something or seeing something or whatever.

Instead I just kind of EAT all day or think of food or want to purchase stuff off of the internet.

I did buy a tarot reading, it sucked and I realized I don't believe in that SHIT ANYMORE. It said 6 to 18 months for a new guy! Wwwwhaa?! Then said well now to 6 months ... but 18 months until the guy I "could" marry shows up or whatever.

Fucking shit, whatever dude.

I also cuss a lot now, I just noticed it and it's gotten out of hand it seems. But I can't help it, blame my grand father, my father ... my mom ... when I get pissy I curse like nobody's business. Oh well, it's "da region" of NW Indiana ... Chicagoland ... whatever. It's the wordage that bonds us.

Okay, so nerdy me ... I bought a X-box yesterday off of ebay. I know that's gooney of me ... but fuck sometimes when I'm in my bedroom I just feel like doing something other than TV ... so fuck! A video game! Yay. Hours and hour of mindless fun. Sit on yo ass fun!

I figure ... no boyfriend ... extra time ... already going to gym, so a sidebar to TV.

I bought this "scary" game off of Amazon ... it's called Fatale Frame 2! Scaryyy. I also bought Shrek 2 game (well am bidding on it).

So much for like saving money huh?

Well it's a b-day present to me from me. Thanks!

Oh well ... the parents are back in and we're getting ready to go to the big "city" ... yay. Dad looked at my car and did all the work on it - put new windshield wipers on it and filled up ...stuff....

Uh and I also got one of my letters of recommendation back ... and am getting another one Monday? Just waiting for one of em. :)

Still kinda funny to think, oh shit what if I get a new job? OR move? Something?

We'll see, I know God has a plan for me, in the universe somewhere ... my story is written out. I just have to make sure I have my script right, and move on when I've taken a wrong path.

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pet ramps