Okay. I'm in Michigan for the rest of the week ... leaving Sunday.

Sunday I go home to Indiana'er and my sister leaves Sunday for Florida and won't be home until Wednesday.

I consider this perfect.

Though staying alone in the house for three days is a bit scary due to: creepy neighbor, crime and my over active imagination.

Also, I am going to delete my other diary because I can write whatever I want in here. Just FYI.

I am feeling a lot better for some reason. I notice that I'm quite the touchy girl right now and not as smiley smile as I usually am - but then again I haven't been that ol' happy go lucky Jen for quite some time.

It's funny when you realize that for the past few months you've gone down hill into this shitty person. Then realize you did that because of unhappiness caused by another person and yourself.

Then you take that out of the equation and suddenly it's like taking the yoke out of an egg ... all the inside shit is gone, but the shell is still there.

So it's rebuilding time.

I just don't want anyone to think I'm "stuck" on the guy. Or I "miss" him or that I "love" him ... or have regrets.

I do not, I'm just very angry at myself for letting it go this far and letting myself become so depressed and sad when I could've ended it months ago.

It's sad to realize I was so caught up in being in a relationship, I let him shit all over me - repeatedly. Now I have this "baggage" and he gets off scot free. But I realize, once an asshole ALWAYS an asshole. I realize his wife spent 7 years with this dip-shit! I spent 5 and that was probably more than enough time!

I realized about the 4th date that things "might" not work out. He was white trashy ... selfish ... damaged and now my friends/ family thinks mentally wrong ... and well I'm very happy to be out of this dead end/dragging me down and most of all very much someone below who I should be dating in the first place. (Yeah I know I sound snobby, but the therapist did say to work on my self esteem!)

Still, I can't help but think of this whole thing a couple times a day. I know this will last for a while ... and then I'll come to a time where I won't think about it for days ... etc.

For now, I think about it and then think WHY am I thinking about this, no use in mulling over this because it's DONE. I guess I'm trying to figure out the moral to the story.

I see it as ... see guy, befriend guy, flirt with guy, date guy, love guy, fuck around with guy, despise guy, think it'll all get better with guy, realize that it won't with guy, break up with guy, hate guy, destruct everything having to do with guy, realize what a fool you were with guy ... finally ... find a new guy. Start over.

I think I've done my just crying - though since the "break up" I have not cried. Just am still in the RAGE stage, but that is leaving me slowly. Now it's the ... can I date again this soon - part.

Should I SEE that stock guy? I mean really, am I ready? I guess it's just a date and doesn't really MATTER. But seeing as I'm out of a relationship and in THERAPY, I'm kind of a mess right now.

Though I praise my therapist - though I've only met with her once, I see my issues are with my job and self esteem.

So I am going to hit the gym three times a week now.

Yes, three. And get back on WW because this week I've been eating BAD and no exercise...I call that WEIGHT GAIN CITY. I'm going to use my get out of weigh in pass on Monday.

I've come to nearly hate my job since my therapist pointed out how I seem to dislike it so...and also hate the associate with the fucking EX ... due to me trying to forget it even HAPPEND and having fucking PEOPLE UP MY ASS asking about him. I'm praying WORD got out and I'll be saved from explaining.

Okay - also please - thanks but ... I am okay. I am sad that the "love" part of the relationship is gone ... merely calling someone your own and feeling loved - but this part of the relationship died weeks/months ago. I'm not even sure if it really existed other than us playing relationship with each other.

I feel stupid for giving or maybe not giving him my virginity. I don't know if I'm a virgin or not. Some say it's in your head ... some say if you "rip" then you are not.

I don't know what the fuck happend the night we tried. He said he didn't even get half way in ... so to me, I feel the semi-virgin.

Just like my life to have things so fucked up all the time. Nothing ever goes right and I usually am left with a silly ass story such as that.

The semi-girl. That girl that's always between things ... I'm semi-depressed. I'm semi-introvert ... all of those things...geez.

Anyway it's nice to be with my parents and feel taken care of ... like a kind of retreat. Then not seeing my sister for a week ... nice nice. Just getting away, making way for CHANGE. Wish I could call off work so I could relish the house to myself.

But I think I'll just leave early Sunday and drive home so I can have some nice time to myself!! Go grocery shopping and ... watch TV! And just be on my own.

I took a fucking trim spa today and have felt pretty SHITTY ... headachy ... tired ... etc. That means I haven't had enough water. Fuck.

Oh well ... okay ... my plan of action now ... uh basically to get healthy and lose weight so that snooty fucking WW biotch won't be like *sing-songy voice* oh well didn't lose any this week eh! BITCH.
Also want to apply to more jobs - rethink my career moves now. I've applied to a few jobs in Chicago. Though I am SCARED to have to go there for interview, but my luck, anymore, they won't even call. I do not expect anything right now.
And also get my college shit together! It's surreal to be going back to college, though I worry about me looking for a new job ... and what that might cause to my college dream.

But these things are coming in stride. I am picking myself up from a long time on the ground ... continually being SHIT ON ... now getting back up and realizing that life goes on and I deserve better ... that I can get better ... and fuck it let's get back on the road.

�

pet ramps