Well okay I guess there are "stages" to a break up. I read there are 6 of them. I am in the 3rd stage...that "bitter/rage" stage.

I hate him right now. We can't be friends because I'd never be friends with someone who put me through what he put me through.

I can say, with honesty, that I completely hope he gets what he deserves. I hope he finds a girl who he's so so into and she does the same of what he did to me.

Me, so young and so naive and him so old and trying to lean on me when I don't know all that much.

I feel STUPID and FOOLISH right now, wish just wish to God I hadn't have said yeah, let's be friends, I'll be there.

Fuck that, I've been there the WHOLE time while he hasn't, why put myself back in that place?

So badly I want to email him and say how easy it is for him to leave because he wasn't the one who had to deal with SHIT ... while I'm just angry that I put with him and all that BULL SHIT ... we never had a relationship ... I don't know what that was.

All I know was it was a MISTAKE.

****

SO I WENT to therapy and ... it was very awkward.

My therapist - Judi - was very nice. I felt like I could talk to her. The thing was every time she asked me questions I'd get so teary eyed and ready to cry ... I'm not sure why.

I took a depression test and 15 is the highest for depression meaning medication - and I am a 10.

That's not to bad as that means I'm middle-depression ... so not severe ... just kind of in it.

She said I'm unhappy a lot due to me hating my job ... she says I go to work everyday and am so bored with my job ... and I never seem to do anything for myself on a daily basis - I said I liked to exercise and always talked myself out of it.

She says I beat myself up to much.

She says that I don't know (well I said this) ... that I don't know what I want in my career and that too is something that makes someone miserable. She said to take some career test before I go to get my masters just to KNOW or have some options.

I agreed.

She asked if I wanted to come back. I said .. uh...I guess? And she said okay you need work on your self esteem and confidence.

So my "homework" is to write three good things about myself daily.

I see her in two weeks and hopefully by then I'll be able to talk to her w/o getting cry eye.

I want to talk about the ex-boyfiend thing because I just feel angry and am taking it out on everyone.

She asked if I regreted breaking up with him, I said no ... I don't need that in my life.

I told her about him being married still and she said ... honey ... with guys like that ... time will tell.

She raised her eyebrows on it.

So I am HAPPY I WENT. Yes. I feel just talking with her, helped me a little. Just to see that yeah my self esteem DOES suck and I've always thought that guys ... think I'm fat and ugly. I hesitate to meet that stock guy in the case he thinks I'm to fat for him or ugly or whatever.

I think this therapy will work for me in some way ... somehow, just to talk to someone objectively ... was nice.

I know this anger will leave me ... just right now I need time to work it through. I've kind of let some of it go already and slowly my mind is trying to forget. I know by next week I should be 100% better as I get over things FAST. I will wake up one day and boom ... somehow I feel great and ready to start over.

Right now, I'm working through this anger, this rage. This whole fuck fuck fuck you for fucking me over and fuck me for allowing it to go on this long.

It's just hard when you fucking bend over backwards for a person ... they don't and you end up the one cleaning up this mess.

I hope his friend is reading my diary suddenly - taking a newfound interest in telling my ex all the shit I'm saying.

My mom asked me what would happen if he found out how I really felt ... I said right now, I don't care. Obviously I meant nothing to him, other than some fucking trinket and object to get over his wife ... but to me ... right now I could care less ... he finally means nothing to me as well. All that bull shit talk about LOVE and marriage, were lies to keep me there.

All lies. He has mental problems and tried to drag me down to that WHITE TRASH level. If it sounds like a fuck and walks like a FUCK then ....

Yeah we can't be friends.

�

pet ramps