Okay the deed is done, I emailed my ex-boyfriend now ... and it's all over.

It was kind of hard, but I feel good that it's all over.

He said he was thinking the same thing and wants to be friends and saying we moved to fast and and and he's just not ready.

Me...I'm just feeling really bad right now. I want to cry my eyes out - I'm happy that it's over because I WAS very unhappy.

But now, just realizing that it's all over, there is saddness in it.

Now, single again.

I'm thinking holidays, and days where you want to be just held and someone else in the world to simply love you for what you are.

But then I realize, I didn't even have those wonderful things with my ex-boyfriend.

I did have the THOUGHTS and dreams and some false reality of them.

Now, I have nothing. Everyone trying to say what a good choice and in the long run I know I'll be happier.

But right now...is this what they call heart ache? I feel just so alone right now, now it's certain that it's all over and hearing and reading the words he said to me ... how he really felt. How today he emailed me so much and sounded so weriod and happy about it like we were old best friends recalling a day in the sun, so happy.

I'm sitting here crying because I'm so sad that all of these feelings are now lost and that I wasted so much time and energy into this failed venture.

That he can walk away feeling just OK because in truth he did not receive the brunt of the SHIT in this relationship. I was the one who was hurt ...he's already damaged...but me...I was the fool, the one who knew, but lied to myself.

It's tragic and all the same I'm happy that it's over but so upset and so so sad about it ... ending.

No more I love you, or kisses or holding hands or looks. I think the only thing I'll miss is the relationship in itself. That dream I lived where I thought it was all OK. A time when we first started dating where I wasn't hurt yet and just happy to be in a real relationship.

Now I'm all the wiser and now feeling like I'm the one with new baggage at my side because...

Yes I have my name on personals sites and have three guys talking to me...I keep thinking now...will they too treat me like shit?

I feel scared now, and just feel like oh my god what have I become?

My stock guy - this guy I've been chatting with on and off for like a month, IM'ed me again today and I told him what happend and he wants to meet.

He ... is wonderful sounding. An ex-marine, working in the stock market in Chi-town and going back to school to be a lawyer. He lives kind of close by in Indiana ... he's 32. He's kinda thin though - and as tall as me.

And me...I feel just ... heart broken.

How can I feel like this when I wanted it to end so badly? Now that it's over I just feel so shitty and I don't know WHY. I feel like just crying and not sure for what. I don't want him back at all, and never would take him back after how he treated me....

I guess knowing that life for so long...now....

I go to my first therapy session tomorrow and I hope it goes well and I don't end up crying. If I do, I know it's okay to....

Anyway ... right now, I just feel so fucked up and so happy Wed - Sun I'm going to visit my parents and ... what is sad is they know what a rough time I'm having and how they are treating me so carefully.

I hate it.

I can't wait to get better mentally and I know I'm on the right track and this is probably the WORST of it. I just feel like I can't trust anyone now with my feelings. What a horrible feeling.

I hate my ex for making me feel this way, I was so pure and unscarred when we met and now, I'm this mess that I am left to clean up ... and him to walk away without anything to contend with, you can't break something that's already broken I suppose.

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pet ramps