Just a lil' quickie entry.

I made an appointment yesterday to see a therapist. It was really hard to do because I called first time, asking for this Dr - who they told me is off in fucking Iraq ... so they say do you want this Doctor? I say is it a man? They say ... yes. I say I'll call back.

So I call back asking for an appt with that doc and he's a psychatrist - and the woman is like WHY do you want to see him? I said...to uh ... talk? She's like...he only prescribes pills ... do you think you need pills? I said..uhh I don't know, maybe? So she (rudely) says, you'd do better with a therapist cause that doctor doesn't TALK, so here are their names, call your insurance and see if you're covered.

So I do that and find the one is covered and I call back and set up an appt. for MAY 3rd. YES, a MONTH I have to wait!

They are so backed up I guess...whatever...I'm like good lord, how will I be in a month?

So I agreed and am going at 1:00 - will take half day at work.

I told my mom/dad they said - good if you need to talk to someone ... go. My mom told me before to NOT go, but now is like GO because I do not know WHY you're so depressed.

I told my sister and she's like, well that's good, kinda...scary huh.

I told Pooks and he was like...okay...and kind of timid about it.

I told boyfriend he said, I didn't even know you felt this way, do you want to talk? I said no, and I hide it well not to mention YOU NEVER SEE ME. Then proceeds to make-fun of me by calling me crazy.
I say "you're an asshole, I REALLY DO NOT NEED THAT KIND OF "help" from you." He says he was just trying to make me feel better.

However, by GOD should this MAN make fun of this, I will so so so so hollar and get enraged because I'm VERY sensitive right now.

I told him in the past few months I've gotten increasingly worse - enough so that I really do cry nearly once or twice a day it seems. Bad days outweigh the good.

I told him, in so many words, that part of the reason I'm going...is him. Though I do not blame him, it's just something that upsets me altogether. I don't want to say he's the reason, but in the past few months my life HAS changed a lot.

But I feel good about going now and hope it will help me because I'm just tired of feeling sad/upset all the fucking time now. And now, I look at boyfriend and talk to him with distain and feeling like I'm on a quick road to nowhere.

And that other thing, I talk about in my other diary is going to come to be -

I'm going this weekend to get my nails done, next weekend w/boyfriend to southern Indiana - Indianapolis area for a trip. The following weekend - will go visit my parents from Wed to Sunday as a getaway because I feel I need to be completed handled with kid gloves now ... and told my boyfriend last night....please watch what you say to me.

Heh, I feel really ... emotionally fucked up right now. If my boyfriend told me he was going to a therapist ... lord ... I would be a mess and would try to help and be there and all of these things. Mine just stopped talking on the phone, quiet ... waiting for me to hang up ... me ... pissed off again and feeling like...what the fuck am I waiting for?

Only a month away.

I also have been doing okay on WW - I lost 5 lbs on it so far, HOWEVER have eaten a hamburger the day before, yesterday had pizza and today am having lunch with Pooks - hot dog. I went over pts yesterday - the hamburger I went over pts by 5 ... today I am HITTING THE GYM. I weigh in Monday - so I HOPE TO GOD I keep this 5 lb loss with me or else I'll feel like a fucking failure. *Sigh* I really don't want to be looked at/talked to like ... girl are you even TRYING? So I'll hit the gym today and really really eat less the next few days. Maybe hit the gym Sunday as well, or take a walk Sat. Something.

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pet ramps