It's been another cry day. I seem to cry a lot anymore. I get mad at someone, my parents, sister, friend or boyfriend and end up sitting at my desk at work ready to cry. A tear has yet to hit my keyboard at work - I hide it somewhat well.

But I realized that I am unhappy. I am sad it seems nearly all the time. Reading my past diary entries, it's just one sad, unhappy entry after another.

Some good days, peppered with shit days and rants.

Today my sister told me she thinks my boyfriend would leave me for his wife in a minute.

I said, I don't know he says he hates her, but inside, I wonder about that as well.

And my mom tells me I should see other guys. And I say well maybe.

And pooks tells me that I worry and think to much about everything. And I think yeah I think I do too.

But in all, I tell them ... each one of them, that right now I do not want to deal with that. Later, when I can think clearer I will finally sit down and come to some decision.

But in that, I am hiding it away, putting my happiness again under my sleeve and wiping away tears at work, and crying in my pillow at night. Unhappiness, unhappiness, unhappiness all the time now.

So I am going to see a psychatrist. Yes. Finally.

What sucks is my benefits ... at work ... I have to pay a $2,000 deductable before my benefits kick in.

I believe I am reading that correctly, therefore I have to pay out of my pocket for my sessions until I hit $2,000 - mind you for only a YEAR of sessions, then starting over again.

I know I chose that plan - merely because I rarely get sick. I never thought I'd get "sick" inside like this. But overall, I realized today, I have a kind of depression.

A funny one that I hide well until I'm alone with my thoughts. My sister told me that since I've been home, this job, this boyfriend I am different and have gotten worse and worse. She says I'm never happy anymore.

And in that, I realized that...she is right. I just want to be alone anymore, I want to sleep and not think about how shitty my life is, how nothing is going right, how I struggle and struggle to no means to an end. How my boyfriend, I know, is shitty to me, yet I stay due to being afraid to be alone yet again.

I know, I know these things and I don't see how I fix them any longer. So I sit in them because I don't know where to start or what to do. Seems like even when I try to fix my life, more shit comes down on me. I end up in the same place I began.

But this newfound sadness. I cannot deal with it anymore. I'm tired of crying every day and feeling like shit and hating myself and everyone around me.

Yes, even I, thought of how easy it would be just to not be. I hate death, but sometimes I wish I could not be in this life anymore. I'd never have the guts to kill myself, but if there were a button to wisk myself into nothingness so easily, I think my finger would be on it. Because what, tell me what is the point of my existence? I don't make anyone happy, I bend over backwards and no one, no one does that for me. Starved, beaten and shit on it seems all of my life. It's like why fucking try anymore? Where has it gotten me? I hate ... I just hate it all right now. I hate my boyfriend for how he treats me, I hate how he never calls me or makes me feel like it's a chore just to see me on the weekends. Like I strain his life and how I interrupt him. How I TRY to be everything his fucking wife wasn't, but that just isn't enough. It's not. Isn't, will never be.

And this sadness in me, so so sad that he doesn't see this and didn't see last time I saw him, the way I looked at him and realized, in that moment, that I wanted to just...say, why did you even start this up with me? I'm fucked up and you're fucked up, the only thing resulting is a fucked up relationship where I'm left cleaning up his mess and my own ... I'm hurt by him and he's hurt by another. And there we are saying we love each other with these fucking fake masks on, and marriage and kids. Who are we kidding?

But like I said, I do not have the strength to deal with this issues right now. I really, really just need someone to talk to about them and help me come to something, a decision or realization because I cannot go on like this, crying and despair every fucking week. I just cannot do it anymore. I hate being sad like this, what is worse is this deep felt hurt all the time like nothing will ever get better in life and what is horrible is that I'm beginning to believe it.

So yes, I know I really need to see a shrink right now. Sucks that I do not have the money to pay for this fucking shit, especially now that I'm going back to college ... but at least I can save up for that as I start in August. I just hope the first session isn't that much money, $60 bucks? $100? for an hour? Isn't that how it goes? I hope I'm wrong with my benefits ... and that somehow I've overlooked something, but I don't think I have. I just really really need to make an appointment - will try to call tomorrow.

I am not telling anyone about this, my sister knows and maybe I'll tell pooks, maybe my parents later, but overall, so far, I don't know. All I know is I do NOT want to be put on any pills.

�

pet ramps