Well I've had just a crud day. I mean lately I've had: headaches, ear ache and stomach problems.

Not sure why, just feeling yuck.

I've decided to go back for my Master's degree in Communication. I'm getting my stuff ready for the application and am wondering if I have to take that GRE or whatever it's called?

I hope not, I don't like tests like that, but oh well if I do, I do.

Easter was spend alone. Sister went w/ boyfriend to his family and me...I stayed home.

My parents called and so did boyfriend. Boyfriend spent the day sleeping/washing clothes.

Me: upset because I'm alone and thought having boyfriend would equate to never being alone on holidays again.

Me: very very wrong.

So needless to say w/o a long rant, I was/am upset today about a lot of things.

My mom today told me that I should see other guys. Says that w/o a ring on my finger that means I'm free to do as I please, and seeing as my boyfriend still has a ring on his finger, he therefore is kind of ... yeah committed to two girls right now, me being one of them.

Me thinking, you know what that makes a lot of sense. Me thinking ... should I? Me thinking ... what now?

Me knowing that in a sense I am starting once again over in my life. With going back to college because I want to teach or be a teachers assistant. Starting over again and again, I really do not want to start over in love, but I guess that's something that I am blind and stupid on. I wear these blinders and in a 1950's mode say it's all okay and everything is just FINE.

But I am unhappy mostly these days, and I cry a lot. I mean a lot now. More so than ever in my life.

Realizing today, after someone told me in so little words that I am a "trophy" girlfriend. Trophistic is what I call it because I don't think I have the looks of a trophy anything and realize that yeah, it does feel that way sometimes in some form.

And realize how I am the giver and not the taker. And have not been given anything in so long and how I am the reacher and the one who is the foreman of the factory and how I'm tired of the whole thing in that format. The need of a new format or perhaps I'll leave the place.

In so many words or so little words I still am not sure what my steps will be ... but things are changing again and shifting and shaping again. I will sit still for the time being, remembering to have fun, not let myself get in to deep to laugh at how I used to think ... things on love and dating .. all false.

Just things. People, places ... just objects, everything is just there for me to take in and to push out and to react to or not react to. To have control of it all and know this instead of feeling controlled by so many.

The thing is ... yesterday I was hurt by my boyfriend and the words today, I could not tell him that I loved him back due to what he said yesterday. As we were laying in bed and musing about how I haven't let him see me naked, he said perhaps we shouldn't be intimate until I let him see me and that he should've have to pay for my "hang-ups."

Me: Shock, despair and feeling finally, perhaps ... in so many/little ways, this is some type of sign. That maybe, though he says he loves me, that this man is with holding intimacy due to my mental thing about being naked.

When I was a child my aunt used to tell me no one would want me looking this way. That I had a pretty face and would be so pretty if only I lost weight. I grew up with this, along with kids taunts in school. I always was the fat girl. Therefore, today, as an adult still fat, it's hard to show skin. I won't wear tank tops even without a cover up.

I explained this to my boyfriend and said that it was more of a mental thing ... more like mental abuse until now. And he said that's my hang up and he's suffering for it.

And I said ... you're talking to me about hang ups?

Feelings hurt and a deep pit in my stomach and a cry today about how I see how in that short conversation, just how telling this is to me. And me ... telling myself to stop giving because with someone taking and taking, it comes to being spoiled and being taken for granted. This man, who I thought would be different in comparison to everything I've know, somehow isn't. I thought this person loved me and in loving would realize how fucked up I am about my looks. But that part of the book of Jenny was missed, skipped. And hurts so so bad, to be give an ultimatium of sorts, something so personal as intimacy, as my body ... to be said, show THAT to me, or BYE. Unfairness comes to mind, no compromise. Selfishness, uncaring comes to mind. Tears come to eyes just thinking about the levels of wrong, terrible, hurtful things to be said to me ... did he realize this? I simply cannot say I love you, to that, not now. Not anymore, those words are strong and should be used when meant.

So that is where it lays. This is where my heartache has begun and why I've cried upon that subject twice today and once last night, that realization that what you thought something was, really isn't. It's right there and everyone sees it and everyone says to be careful, but it's so easy to let yourself go in blindly and think it'll get better and work out.

When somewhere, this dark pit is starting to grow and erupt ... deny deny deny until you're like me, crying nearly all the time, wondering and worrying and all of the what if's rolling around in your head.

I'm still not sure what my plan of action is, right now, let's just fester and sit in these juices until it all comes to where you finally, finally know what to do in a sudden epiphany.

I just do not have the strength or bravery to do anything right now. Love or leave, hate or realize, or just be. I'll be the lather because I don't have the energy to pay it anymore thought other than to be a taker, stop giving so much because in giving, I feel like I'm setting myself up every week for failure. For more crying spouts. To quit expecting anything from anyone and just be selfish and live for myself.

I'm sorry, I'm a nice girl, but right now, I need to back off a little and realize I'm worth it and deserve it all, whatever I want, I'm going to get it.

I guess this entry is just a bit of a rant of sorts, just some thinking be it true, false or whatever. There are thoughts, my personal thoughts, so keep them to yourself right now and ball it up and wrap it up because right now I'm paying no mind.

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pet ramps