God I hate when one day you have all of this good shit going on, then the next it comes crashing down.

Today I'm just a bit ... upset with my life. Just...one of those days where I realized I am not happy.

The apartment I wanted, well, it's not he house, but the fucking BASEMENT! That's bull shit.

Basement apartment for $520 a month? Kiss my ass. I told the woman I might come to look at it (open house Saturday) ... and I'm contemplating not going because...I'm not paying that much to live in a basement.

So I'm going to spend the night at my guys Friday night ... however, feeling...perhaps...I dunnno....will have to update my secret diary to explain how I'm feeling. (will update later today/tomorrow)

And my job ... what the hell, this GIRL is telling ME how to design a page, how to do this and that ... and talking down to me. I wanted to say do you know who I am?. I wanted to rip out my resume and say LOOK BITCH I COULD BE YOUR BOSS, but SO HAPPENS, this fucking JOKE of a place hired me in this SHIT job and I took what I could GET so back OFF!!

So I sat there fuming...making no money, having to bend over and take SHIT in this SHIT job and feeling, oh my GOD so dead end. Granted I like my boss and some of the people there, but right now I just feel...so disappointed in where I am in my life.

If it wasn't for my boyfriend, I think I might be looking for a job in Chicago or back in Florida. Things I did when I was single and no attachments...however now ....

God, sometimes..... It's just so crazy.

So I tell my sister about this wedding show my paper is putting on. I score free tickets to it thinking she'll go with me ... a sister thing and she goes to the boyfriend, "Oh so will you go with me?"

I'm like WHAT THE FUCK!!! I didn't say anything and thought ... man where in the HELL IS MY LIFE GOING?

Looking at it from the outside... a talented girl in a entry level, monkey pressing the button job ... living with her sister/boyfriend mix who both want her out, but in unspoken terms ... a boyfriend who is still married ... in a house he can't get out of, and sometimes I'm not even SURE if he's ready for a serious relationship.

I AM PATHETIC, look at this life I lead!

Jesus Christ, I could cry, what a SHITTIE SHIT time I'm in, because right now I say my boyfriend is what keeps me happy ... but now I'm wondering if he's ... not ready for the type of relationship I want. Just ... I feel it, I see it and what can I do about that? Just wait? What?

I really need to stop and rethink where my life is headed. I cry to think I can't afford some apartment and if I did - if anything happend to like my car, I'd have to borrow money.

Why did I even go to college? The girl I replaced didn't go and she's in a higher position than me...this world is FUCKED UP and I'm beginning ... just wishing I could start over somehow.

I STILL don't have what I want ... I want a job where I'm paid what I've worked so hard for ... I want a boyfriend who listens and has his shit together ... and a home where I don't feel like I OWE someone or uncomfortable being there. That's all I want and I don't want to settle, but I feel like I'm in a place where I don't know where to start this change to get the things I want.

My life is just dependant on others, I work, but depend on others for room ... happiness ... love ... everything. I don't know how to get out under someone's thumb and just be.

So this is the confused 20's.

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