Why is beginning a relationship so difficult? Words aren't said, looks are taken wrong, a missed hello equates to so many things. Is he interested? Does he care? Or thinking he's made some mistake.

The next question is how do I find out? What are the moves to be made to get what you want?

Sooo today my work guy is grumpy and doesn't talk to me in the morning time when he usually comes by at least twice. So I am freaking out. I'm thinking maybe he's pissed because I laughed at him yesterday or something else. I'm sitting there thinking what did I do?

Suddenly I'm thinking, damn what the fuck is wrong with me. What happened to strong Jen who'd be like fuck him, whatever.

I guess it's this pressure from my parents and from myself to date this man. He must be mind, screams my mind. I like him, and yet I doubt myself.

So full of doubts and worries and sometimes it's like why don't I just let it be, let things progress as they should instead of this hurrying thing I'm doing.

So I chill out and say fuck it I know he'll come by and if he doesn't I will call him tomorrow to see why.

So no more than a hour or so later he comes by and suddenly it's all rekindled and I feel like I have to do something to keep him coming back and I touch his sleeve (his costume) and smile. I know he always tries to do the touch thing ... but I did it this time. So high school-ish.

So I'm thinking about calling him tomorrow. My parents are all like call him and everyone is like call him and I'm all like....but but but it'll be uh weriod.

But he said ... today, something like hope you have a good weekend and ... I'll be doing nothing ... and have a happy halloween ...

It was so sweet, and just so intense when he seems so confused on what to do.

And I know he probably thinks about me and wants something to happen.

Which I realize. Know I know what is needed ... the type of connection that will lead into what we want. We need to go from work type of relationship to a friendship.

At work we're always disrupted and you can't really be yourself with your boss 5 feet away. You can't talk about your past relationships or relate how you think the guy who works in the Production Dept. is an asshole.

It's more like the email thing, we connected. In person we're to nervous. I think we need the voice connection, the real time stuff. Then a date.

Somehow I feel like the phone thing will be a disaster if not handled in a way that escapes the work type conversation barrier.

I'm trying to orchestrate this in my mind, a 101 on talking to the work guy about anything, everything to get him to open up. To get him to talk about his past, relationships, what he wants. I want to say, what do you want, what are we doing, what are we?

I know we'll fall into a role reversal of a internet meeting that could fall into fantasy if we don't communicate and get that bond. That THING you feel with someone you like. That secret smile, that look that I see a touch of...that something that I think we could have if someone takes that step.

It seems like it'd be so easy to topple the blocks with a wrong move, those words that will push it into, maybe this isn't right .....

So I'm making myself nutty. Tomorrow, when I call him, I'm hoping he's not home so I can leave a message so he'll have to phone me....lol

I guess if it goes wrong, I can always say I have to go, go ... uh to the store to go grocery shopping or something like that.

Oh ... and Chicago guy, I broke our date for tonight and next Sat. we're schedule to go out. I also said I'd call him tomorrow. Hum.

But God, please let my conversation go well. I know it'll be odd at first and I know after a few minutes we'll relax and then hopefully he won't clam up or I won't calm up...whatever.

I really want this to work, even if for a while, just to feel what a real relationship is like when you meet the person the old fashioned way of face to face instead of computer to computer.

It would be so ever so lovely to date him a while, and get serious and say where have you been all my life and thank you for saving me and loving me like you do.

I think we could really have something special, but this hurdle is a big one and it's just we both need to give ... to balance it out. If it works out, I'll have everything in my life. Lord and marriage and kids, I'd have it all. I know he wants that too, he thought he had it, but maybe this is destiny....

What a journey this is beginning to be.

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pet ramps