Okay yeah.

The past two days I have gotten angry at business cause they are stupid.

I go to the gym, for that new "computer training program" and I get my sheet and can't find any of the fucking machines and waste 15 mins looking for these machines and finally say FUCK THIS and throw the sheet in the bin with "where are these machines at!?" scrawled across it. I'm all like "if I go in Friday and no one helps me then I'm asking to be taken out of the program."

I'm all about exercising on my own, fuck computer print outs telling me to lift 8 pound weights for 2 reps! I was so livid/frustrated, I stayed there an hour on the bicycle and treadmill. My legs hurt today. But so far I like the gym, just not the fucking print out thing and the guy who helped me is a dick who saw me wandering around and didn't even help. I smile at him to say HI (friendly) and he just looks at me like "FU fatty."

I hate gym guys, they are asses.

(Ok that's rant one)

Rant two happend today. Yeah so last week violin guy calls and cancels (note he called 5 mins before I left) ... so today I got to busy at work, I couldn't make it. I told him last week "I don't know if I can make 6, but I will call if I can't."

They have a policy about canceling the day before. So I cancel and the woman is like "well you canceled and you can't make it up."

I'm like WHAT!? First off he changed the TIME, second off HE CANCELED LAST WEEK 5 mins before I left and third off I WORK AT A FUCKING NEWSPAPER WHERE TIME changes ALL THE TIMEEEE!

So the manager is calling me because that's fucking SHIT I pay $75 bucks and have him cancel and then when I can't come, they pull this? They already are getting a half hr paid by ME because of this .... So again, I was LIVID like a mad monkey. I mean I was shaking I was so fucking mad. That is $75 a MONTH. I don't have that kind of money to be paying this FUCKING PUNK ASS KID to CANCEL ON ME! SCREW YOU. So I'm all about finding a new teacher because that's shit, especially if I don't get my hour, oh HELL NO. *ROAR*

I'm thinking it's the weather and the recent full moons mixed with STRESS that has been making me this way. Plus I'm taking my TrimSpa again and I read that sometimes it makes you over-emotional. But normally I don't get like that? I dunno.

SO the news of the day is that guy at work that I LIKE.... Okay yah, so he hasn't been talking to me all that much, not like before - I thought he was mad or that I had turned him off with my unfounded bitchiness cast because I was stressed.

So I made an effort to be - smiley, kind, friendly and eye-contacty. I was interested in everything he said and just him him him him. He'd walk by and I'd watch him, and if he looked at me, I'd make sure he knew I was watching him and so on.

Sooo yeah. This PAID OFF.

So the place has a party tonight and they set up right in front of my desk (there is a little wall in front of my desk, but I can see well over it) ... so he sets up and I'm kinda bummed because he hasn't even so much looked at me the whole time. So I get to work because I"m behind and getting PISSED OFF.

So I'm working, working and suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder. A total hand on the shoulder, not like a tap, but a lay your hand down, I could feel the warmth of his hand, on my shoulder for an amount of time that made you take notice. I didn't flinch, it was like home almost, and just before I felt the oncoming emotion, he took it off.

So he sits on my desk (yeah THAT GUY, work guy) and I'm like ... "hi..." and I smile and blush. He is like...so how are you doing? I'm all like...I'm fine, just so damn busy ... and all this commotion, it's so hard to work (everything I say to him sounds stupid and bad) ... so I mutter about how lovely it all is and ask if he set it up. He says yes and I gush about how GREAT it is and how wonderful a job he did. I'm all blushy and nice Jen.

So of course I always forget the whole ordeal, I think someone came up and asked him something and he had to go and he's like ... well get something to eat, you can have anything.

Soo I work on and on. And he walks by sometimes and says hi or whatever.

So I leave.

Then while I'm just leaving I realize FUCK I didn't update this section for the paper!!! *Inner scream*

So I drive back like a MAD WOMAN.

So I rush in and get to work and instantly he's there and I'm sputtering about coming back because I forgot to do this work (very negative Jen) and one of his workers comes up and he is like "eat something" and she is like "yeah have some wine!" So I look at him and his face is very dark and I say "I probably am going to after I get this work done" Ha ha. And he looks very dark still ... I don't understand that look.

Soo I get to work and finish. He is standing at the other end of the room and I look at him and wonder if he can see me. So I walk around the room and get some fruit and I can feel him watching me. So I don't look at him and wander around back to my desk and get some meatballs and something else.

So I make a phone call and am eating and I swear he can see him the whole time as I look up and stare at him wondering if he's looking at me or looking at the eye he's talking to.

Sooo...I say FUCK this I'm leaving and instead of walking down this hallway to leave, flirt Jen takes the long way just so I can walk by him.

Thinking he won't do anything, but at least the closeness might say "hey I like you" ... I'm walking by and he grabs my arm and is like "did you like the meatsaballs?" I laugh and say "Yeah and those other thingies ... " and I forget whatelse he said, but I say I'm leaving and he says to get a drink for the ride home (har har it's only booze).

So I'm on cloud 9 that he touched me yet again, so when I leave, I brush his arm with my hand and look him in the eye and say bye... all smiles Jen.

So I don't know if he likes me or what is going on. It's like is he NICE or does he like me? It can go both ways, he does take time to talk to me sometimes and always always makes me laugh. And I try to watch him around others and ... I don't know....

I won't lie, he doesn't seem the kind to date a lot, he's not every handsome (I know that has nothign to do with it) but he's a great personality. No wedding band and his desk only has a picture of a dog on it. So that's good, the tarot said he's backwards and maybe this is new to him.

But God I like him and God I hate to take it slow like this, I wish I knew for certain that maybe it could turn out to be something. Or that maybe I'm reading to much into it ... maybe it would be easier if he were married then I could say okay off limits.

So regardless, I'll keep on trying and looking for meaning ... but tonight, today was really ... a lot for him, that shoulder touch ... I mean that contact ... I just wish I could do things to hurry it up...to show him a definate YES and a question of do you return the glow? Type of thing. That high school check yes or no if you like me type of thing.

I just wish we had more time to talk, really talk. And tonight, I think he tried and again, I was flighty and figgety and left ... I should've stayed longer and should've taken the time to talk with him and now I realize, maybe it's not him, but maybe me ... or a lot of me that is the scared part?

I don't know, but I really do like him, a lot and sometimes, I'm feeling that maybe others are seeing it and though that is embarrassing, maybe someone will tell him and get the ball rolling .... God why do I like him sooo much? Is this infatuation? Is this lust - though I don't want him sexually - I just ... God, I don't know what I want, just to be with him and share secret smiles and spend time with him and to know that he is mine. I feel like I want to take care of him, and be there for him and just be the woman behind the man type.

My mom says this is exactly how she met my dad, even up to the jokes and stuff. But damned if I have to wait a year to date him.

Also, good tonight, was I made friends with other workers there, so I'm a better part of the family. That's a good feeling ... that release of newness into sameness, and part of us now. The family girl.

*Sigh* What more can I do?

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pet ramps