I'm still oddly pissed that my violin string broke.

It's not even that it BROKE, but unraveled where at the top it fits into the peg to you know...wind up.

So my d-shit string is pissing me off. I practiced tonight to it's tin sounding, metallic shit. It sounds louder than my other perlon core strings which have a softer, mellow sound.

So I'm like damn. I ordered a new string and should be getting it soon. It's orchestra quality, which I was told sounds brighter and louder. If I like it I might just replace my other strings.

Okay. I will say this. My old, new guy. I'm done. Through. He never emailed me back and I so want to email him and say so many things that involve, fuck you, you said you'd never do this and where is the common fucking courtesy to say no I have different needs/wants.

I know. He is scared. He doesn't know what he wants, he isn't ready. I knew this, and I tried to accomodate and tried to be dutiful nice Jen. But I realized I was the only one trying and now I see he just wanted an internet talky friend who he sit at home and have fantasies ... some fake perfect girl that would never be true.

So even if he would to email now, in my mind, it's to late. It's over and once again, a guy has fucked me over and left me hurt.

I have this trend of guys who suddenly drop off the face of the earth. They don't call and certainly don't care.

These guys are wrong for me. Yet I still say ohh let's give them another chance.

So now, it's like. Okay. No more internet dating. It's ridiculous to base a relationship off of IM's and emails. Meager phone calls and nerve-racking first meetings and all of that shit shitty conversation.

I've had so many conversations I could go mad. I want action (not sex) ... just to go out and DO stuff! Movies, hikes, shopping, anything. JUST STUFF.

But anymore it seems to much to ask of people to spare some time for you.

So I'm all about me right now. I was going to sign up on eHarmony, but I can't take anymore of this shit dating. No more head and heart aches when I'm left once more at the brink. Like a modern day Miss Haversham except what I'm holding in my hand isn't a shoe, but a fucking computer mouse.

Sooo, I'm going to join the gym on Saturday and then start that all up. Then go from there and sort out what I want to do.

My sister has been pissing me off ... we used to make fun of a friend of ours who was always "that guy was looking at me" ... and "he likes me, look" ... type of girl. We ALL have friends like this. My sister has turned into that girl. Everywhere we go, "that guy is looking at meee" and last night we went to Borders. I had a horrible headache which was borderline migraine. And she gets up and go gets a book and comes back and is like. This guy came over and said he's been watching me and he wants my number and blah blah.

I'm like..oh yeah ... I didn't care and wanted to say my head hurts and I don't need this BULL SHIT right now. And she keeps talking about it. I'm like I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I don't think she understands that I just got out of my fake, fraud relationship, the fucking 3D relationship where you could see it, but couldn't touch it and knew it wasn't real ... but still relationship.

Kinda like when I was unemployed and hearing people bitch about their jobs ... now it's I'm single and hearing people bitch about relationships.

I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT.

So now she's fucking around with all of her internet guys. Her ex-boyfriend still calls and still has shit at her (our) house and still says "I love you" at the end of the calls and I'm sure still kisses him. (Ew) And then goes on dates with internet men.

It's kind of like ... you're whoring yourself out to AOL. I know you have to try on a lot of shoes before you buy a pair, but come on some shoes aren't even worth trying on.

This, folks, is the reason I seriously want to move out. I hate living like this. Sometimes it's not bad, but anymore, I get so irrated. It's like fucking shit take a fucking break.

It's like she needs people to tell her how great she is. Needs those compliments. That is how she is. I don't know how else to explain it. She has to hear what others think about her to feel good. She can't just feel good about herself without someone else feeling that way. Shit you have to be happy with yourself first. Fuck the rest.

I don't know, it gives me a headache and lately.

Lately I have these headaches and then ready to cry at the drop of a hat. Like right now I could burst into tears.

I don't know what this is. Am I depressed? I feel overly bitter, but not so much so that I feel depressive?

Just more worn down and confused and not enough time anymore.

I love working, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I get under so much stress it's like I could just crawl under my desk and lay there.

Today I was in the bathroom and it was so quiet and cool in there, the hum of the air shaft, I could've just went to sleep in there.

So I dunno. I think it's lack of exercise anymore. I can't wait to get back to the gym! I have to go at least twice a week to get my full reimbursement.

So I can't go Thursday due to violin...I think I might do Monday and Wednesdays as those are my easy days. Maybe take Fridays whenever I'm alone and not doing anything (foresee a lot of Friday gym sessions coming in my future).

I hope they have a good fitness program ... something offered. Or else I'll just go in and do some machines.

But that seems do-able to me. I also want to eat better and get back on my Trim Spa hard core. Like take the full dose as I am used to them now.

I just ordered 3 more bottles. I really like that stuff. My appetite has changed. I also want to start taking vitamins.

I figure I don't eat all that bad anymore. Not with working all day. Just at home at night, is my bad time.

Oh well, ugk. I have to get to bed. I feel so disappointed right now.

About the old, new guy situation because I really thought it would work and the fact he didn't even bother to email me back after saying how much he cared, just showed me how much he didn't care.

And about how my job is so entry level. How the girl I replaced knows shit about design while I could teach her how to do that job. I know I have to work at it, but I wonder where my breaking point is. I'm not staying in that shit job for 6 years like she did. No fucking way.

OH! Yeah. So I'm slowly getting over the pain of new guy ... so that has cast itself into me having a crush on a guy at work.

Isn't that just fucking goofy? I can't help he. He's funny and soooo nice. I'm a sucker for funny guys. Whenever I see him I get giddy. I keep trying to analyze and look for hints of him returning the glow. So far I have those maybe situations where it could be nothing.

Today though, I caught him looking at me twice. He walks past my desk all the time and I'm all smiles and hellos. He also stops by to talk to me ... and it's like ... is he being friendly? Or what? He asked me today if I'm from around there (in the area) I said "No" flatly without thinking because I was on deadline. Then recovered by saying in sign song voice "how about you??" So maybe we're both testing the waters.

Or maybe I'm reading to much into it. I just need to give it a TEST. Like the are you married test ... look for the ring, then ask some question that would signify a girlfriend/wife involvement. I plan on telling him about me canning this weekend or asking how when he left his office to come to this one, if he had to move. That would have to spark some "well I moved with my girlfriend/wife" type of thing.

Something. Then what? Maybe this is a hopeless venture.

He has to know that I'm into him as I get so coy and shy and smiley smile around him. I feel like that line/song in Yentl "See the way he looks at her, his eyes, like slaves, they follow everywhere she goes. Do my eyes forget themselves and do I ever look at him and smile in such a way that my feelings show? Sometimes I have the feeling everybody knows.
And even though it's crazy, I can't help wondering if in the miracles of miracles he'll turn around and look at me that way" (I can't remember it word for word, but it's close.)

I loveeee that song in Yentl. I always think of that song whenever I get gooey feelings towards someone. Because I've been to that point where I wonder if my face tells it all.

Okay I'm getting my tarot read again by that lady who told me I'd get my job in 14 days, which came TRUE!!! So I'll see...maybe she'll shed some light this time around because I'm tired of being single. I'm sooo ready for a real relationship.

�

pet ramps