I'm just not getting it.

New guy. He's just...Jesus Fucking CHRIST ... he pisses me off.

We don't fight, but he does NOT understand me.

The boy, simply does not see eye to eye with me on some important things.

I'm tired, so fucking TIRED of being the one to say stop saying negative shit about yourself.

He says it's because of the divorce ... but I say fuck if you're ready to DATE then you're ready to MOVE ON AND STOP BLAMING YOURSELF!

I'm so so so tired of this merry go round. I'm really really tired of picking up the pieces and putting him back together again and again and again.

At first, I wanted to help, now it's like FUCKING SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT.

Do you want a relationship, friendship or WHAT?

Is that wrong to ask? I almost asked tonight "What do you want from ME?" But that to me sounds to harsh.

I think a better way to form it would be "what are we?"

But I know he would throw in jokes and suddenly the conversation dies.

Tonight after a serious conversation on ... "are you really ready?" He tossed out a stupid comment and it died.

So I'm just PISSED off, confused.

So I tell him I feel discombobulated ... hoping that to strike up ... "why?"

So I say I felt confused...and he told me to go lay down and watch TV.

SO I signed off.

Stupid men, have to dingle the fucking carrot in their eyes to get them to MOVE.

Dropping hints, doesn't work they just fall to the ground and shatter.

Okay, what am I tired of? Tired of NEVER going out. Tired of TALKING and talking. Tired of no phone calls even.

If you care soo much for me, then why don't you ever make time to see me? You SAY you do...but then say you'll plan it.

I'm tired of this. Maybe he'll get the hint, but I know he won't. Maybe he'll see that I'm upset, or maybe I will have to spell it out to him.

I know I don't have a man on the side, but right now, it doesn't matter does it? He's holding back, I don't think he's ready.

He wants the luxury of saying he's talking to a girl, a possible thing. But actually going out to do this deed, he'd rather have this dreamt up version of JENNY then the real thing.

Fuck this, f that. I don't need this in my life. I'm sorry, but it comes to this...the other day I thought ... you know if a guy really became interested in me ... some guy off the street right now. I would go with him and leave new guy in the dust.

He is offering me nothing ... I'm just his therapist and some internet dumbass who's just wasting her fucking time.

It hurts to say that as he seemed so wonderful, but I haven't seen anything that gives me staying power.

Nothing.

And what is so terrible and so so sad is I don't know how to convey this to him. I get flusted and lost for words. How do you tell someone this? Say if you want this to work, you need to start pitching in? I'm tired of being there for you and you always vacant?

How can me, a writer, a creative girl, be so very lost for words or how to deal with this?

What was so bad. What was the straw that broke the camels back ... was after I said he's different and hesitant and seemingly scared to be in a relationship ... he said to me "what, do you want me to jump your bones?"

My God. How could my guy say that? That is when I realized, and the dream thought of him in my mind suddenly crashed and shattered and left in those pieces was reality. Who I am really talking and what am I really getting from this.

Epiphany ... realizations ... aren't all great.

Again, my theme of being those there to pick up everyone else, but never there to pick up my pieces. This is a major theme in my life, in all aspects.

No one takes the time anymore. No one listens anymore. No one cares anymore. We're all to selfish in what is ours and what to do with it to please ourselves.

Is that the secret to human nature?

Anyway, sorry for this rant, but I've been feeling over emotional lately. It's not PMS. I'm not sure what it is? But today as I read through obituaries I got teary eyed reading the card of thanks. Last night I cried because of my grandma getting sick. Tonight I'm crying due to frustration. I just wish I didn't care so much sometimes. Like how I still help out Pooks when he's so shitty to me constantly. How I help out even those who treat me like shit, just for that glimmer of thanks and respect.

What is that?

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pet ramps