Well last night went pretty well.

I never like first meetings/internet date type of things. They make me unbelieveable nervous. So I was really nervous and sick to my stomach all day yesterday. (And if he should find my diary and read this, I would be so pissed OFF in an invasion of privacy thing. *Ahem*)

SOOooo he arrived here a half hour late due to me forgetting to tell him that the exits to NW Indiana were closed, therefore he had to go into Illinois and then come back here.

I felt bad for the boy and it kind of broke the ice a bit.

So I saw him, and he doesn't really look like what I thought he was going to look like. No. I can't explain how he looks, he looks like a damaged person and perhaps a sad person from his recent events. I guess I'd like to see him smile more or be happy ish. And though he dressed alright, I would like to see him in darker, more fitted clothing. I think that'd help him. I think he could be really cute if only he could look MORE confident.

So he saw me and did a werid eye contact thing and I just looked down and shook his hand and said HI!

So, the night consisted of him opening the car door for me, every single time (not used to that) ... and being a complete gentlemen. He is a sweet guy, really, but I was getting a bit ... I don't know tired of the whole "are you okay, what can I get for you" thing.

I guess I love the attention, but sometimes in my fickle gemini nature just want to be left alone.

Point being, we go to the movies and he keeps asking me if I'm okay and if I want anything and all of this JAZZ and I was getting PISSED because I'm trying to watch the friggin movie!

Geez mon! I know he's trying but really, I don't want someone to be like that to me. I want a friend, an equal, not that.

Before that, in the parking lot I flipped through his CD's and finally we kind of connected because of the whole "I can't believe you listen to this ... I don't think I can be your friend after seeing you listen to this" ha ha shits and giggles thing.

Sooo we saw this kitten running around in the parking lot and I'm like "ha I was just begging my sister for a kitten today..." I say jokingly ... and there he is on his hands and knees looking for this CAT. And I'm like...uh ... and then he wants to trap the thing and I'm like nooo it'll scratch meee in a girlie manner and he laughs at me and says screw it, I'll buy you a kitten ... lol. I said nooo, I don't want no scrabby movie cat anyway.

So ... yeah. We did okay. But I was just still nervous and he was like "why are you still nervous" and I was like I dunno.

All night I couldn't relax and just felt at odds. When we met he was okay, in the car ride he was okay, when we went into the restaurant, he was really distant and it was like shit this dude doesn't like me....but then it turned into yeah he does....

I was petrafied on the way home because I always get that, shit he'll walk me to the door and then what? A handshake? Hug? Try a kiss?

So that just rattles my cage as I'm not ready for any of that.

So he walks me up and I thank him for the night and he's very sweet about it and says I'm fantastic ... (before that he said I was prettier than my sister after I showed him a picture, ooh man thank you baby) ... soo I'm like well I'll uhh catch you on aol or like on the phone? SO I give him a hug and in an instant he looks at me and and I look at him and look down because I think I know that he wanted something, maybe a kiss or a connection/reaffirming look to let him know I liked him?

I don't know, but I don't kiss on first dates and the thought of kissing someone when I haven't kissed ANYONE since, yes, HIGH SCHOOL is scary. How can I be so afraid of a kiss? I guess I'm afraid of messing up and blowing my tough cover and just being ... I don't know weak? Let myself go?

So I im'ed him today and told him thanks again and it was fun and we'd have to do it again and he was happy about that because he didn't think I would and he definately wants to get together again .... sooooo I don't know.

I'm happy about it, but the intimacy part scares the hell out of me. If I didn't have to worry about kissing (for now) then I'd probably be a lot more relaxed ... I don't know if I should tell him these things yet.

I did say I have trust issues and takes me a while to warm up to someone and that it's ME not HIM. So maybe he'll understand that. But I will let him touch me, he didn't touch me at ALL last night, I waited for a hand hold or arm around waist/shoulders, anything, but alas, nothing came.

Probably my fault cause I was so wacky, but I was a bit disappointed at the no touch thing....damn. I don't mind that stuff at all. Maybe he thought about it, and I think he contenplated it at the movies, but ... er.... ahem.

OKAY I start work tomorrow and hooray. I also and getting my tarot read again. Yippeee. I should get my new cell phone this week too! I can't wait. Okay life is starting for me once again and dare I say I'm getting exactly what I've asked for? A job and now an almost relationship/maybe type of thing?

God, me dating? Me with a boyfriend, a man who I know likes me a lot and is treating me so very well and makes me feel good about myself? Can it be?

I just feel as if I'm lacking in making him feel good about himself and maybe I should say and do more for him....

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pet ramps