What the fuck.

Another fish is DYING. YES. Another one is about to kick the bucket, he's laying on the bottom, not moving, but his gills are going like MAD. So he's barely alive and I'm to grossed out to net him out and I'm hoping that the other fish don't think of him as a snack.

EW. Major EW.

So I called Pooks and I hope he calls back and maybe I can have him come do the dirty deed. I can't deal with all of this death. Everyday. Death. For the past FOUR DAYS NOW a fish has died!

Who has this vendetta against me!? What have I done!? Who have I wronged!?

Oh my GOD! This is so gross, I want to THROW UP.

So anyway.

I went shopping today, as my sister is taking a "break" from her boyfriend (ex now?) and is "seeing" this guy who used to talk to me (werid) and she goes out all the time with him, so I'm alone more and more and feeling all shit about being alone and jobless all the time.

Kinda disgruntled about it all and feeling shitty and kinda ew.

But anyway she took me out - almost like someone taking out a older family member just to "get them out of the house" type of thing. I said "I don't need to do stuff, I DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY," type of comment.

SO in her brillant idea'er she wants to go SHOPPING. So bitter me says "WHY, I have NO MONEY AND I DON'T HAVE A JOB TO WEAR CLOTHES TO." WAH!

So I'm like OKAY well I guess I'll WATCH YOU SHOP THEN.

So she didn't buy anything - except two bars of expensive designer soap that was on clearance ... bought a bracelet we're going to "share" and I bought myself a pair of $8 earrings cause they were Givenchy brand on clearance.

Yeah. Hooray. I felt shitty and when you're unemployed, everyone in your eyes is employed and it's like you're stuck on the outside of the box and you see people and see em' workin' ....

Like when I watch tv, I think, those people all have jobs. Everyone on tv has a job to do and people walking down the street, have jobs. And people probably think I have a job, but alas I am an alien among them as I am unemployed/loveless in my being.

I also have this view about sex. I see people and am like those people have had sex. I'm the only virgin in this room. When I'm around family I point out that I am the only virgin besides a baby cousin. Or see pooks and know he has had more dick than I and I think it's kinda funny and gross and depressing at the same time.

So yeah.

Maybe I should be worried, others should wonder and maybe I'm going into some mental thing about otherwise useless and non conversation forming comments.

Or maybe I'm bitter beyond belief, slightly depressed, though I say I'm not depressed, but every since Friday I dare say I've cried and teared up each day and felt like I'm worthless. Is that depression or just negative thinking?

I feel like I'll never get a: job, boyfriend, life. Maybe they are all one in the same and maybe I over react.

Maybe I'm fucked up, but my dying fish has moved to the other side of the tank and somehow, I feel like him.

Barely moving, looking dead, but still breathing but for how much longer. Maybe he's contemplating if it's worth it. Maybe he's wishing that he would've swam a bit harder when the fish net came in to take him from his home. Maybe if he would've just stayed put, he could've been safe wondering about the what if's instead of struggling through all the I did it and now what questions.

But I know, I'll find him dead tonight, in a minute, an hour, five hours or sometime in the night. I guess I should be brave and put him out of his misery, but considering that people don't put us out of our misery when struggling for life ... I guess there is some hope left in the world for a miracle.

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pet ramps