After a shitty yesterday, I woke up with mixed feelings.

I applied for about three jobs yesterday - one of which I had to write a letter of application for it. It's at a college in lower Illinois.

I applied for some jobs today and feel kinda shitty still.

I also emailed my interview asking what jobs are coming up or opening up. My connection friend emailed and was so real and so nice to me.

He said "In their (the newspaper) present, drunken state, I'd guess they'll grab Northwestern graduates until they are dead. I mean, who wouldn't?

They trust there own judgement about Northwestern above my 20 years, and I laugh? Really? And, I laugh. Over and over again. And I tell them it is at Jen ****'s expense, and they laugh again. But I don't laugh. Wrong approach. Born of stupidity.

Too confusing. They've been too confusing for a long time.

Well, I wish you the best. I will help all I can. Always. Let me know what I can do. I wish I could do more."

You can tell he's a fantastic report by the way he writes. So eloquent. He writes so so well. I wish I was like him and sometimes I feel like I USED to write like that because sometimes I read old stuff I wrote and it gives me chills and has a certain clarity. Funny for me, feeling always so fucked up, have a clarity to her writing.

But that doesn't matter anymore. I hardly see myself writing for anything again. I barely see myself doing anything anymore.

So I awoke, feeling numb. That's the best way to explain it. NUMB. Numb every time I open my email box, numb when the phone rings.

Who could it be? What news? Seems like all the news I get is bad anymore.

And it leaves me feeling like maybe I should just follow the wind and work in Florida, or Illinois (lower) and Indiana (Indianapolis), follow the jobs.

I saw a job for a reporter in the Virgin Islands - St. Thomas. This made me laugh and for a moment I considered applying for it. How cool would that be?

But considering that it's A. an island and B. away from everything and C. tropical, hot, humid and how in the HELL WOULD I get my stuff over there? It seemed a silly thing to even consider.

Now if Key West was taking applications, I would do that. I adore Key West, call me a Hemingway-rat because I can see the charm and simplicity of the place. Even as it's a huge tourist trap with chickens running amuck (it's against the law to kill them) ... the sandy beaches, clear blue water, palms, and architecture ... I fell in love with it at first sight.

But alas, that is a dream and now I see why pooks said he loved the place equally as well. There is something about it. But I guess living there, working and seeing the cursed ship every other week, would be strange.

I keep thinking: What happend?

Really I was doing so well, I really was on a career path, but now, suddenly, it's like my path has come to a halt and I'm sitting in the brush wondering when I'll find my way again. I am trying to get back on the path, but it's hard ... harder than I expected.

So emotional and painful at times. And the thing is, I feel alone on this track. Though, I know I must be alone on this track as no one can do it except me.

But I will ask for help and swallow my pride and I believe perhaps I'm becoming no-nonense.

So I haven't taken my TrimSpa today, though I know I should've this morning. I guess I felt like maybe I needed a lil' break - I will take one later today though.

I read that the pills alter your mood sometimes between raging mad and crying and laughing and giddiness. I can see my emotions are all over, but I figure it's a mulitude of things, PMS, stress, sadness, madness, a mix of things I say.

I sit here thinking of Michigan and thinking of what the coming weeks will bring. I want to just quit and hide away, but I know that's stupid.

Pooks said he is following this quote while dealing with his joblessness "If you're in hell, keep on walking" ... that wasn't it word for word, but something like that. I thought on that and it's like there is nothing ELSE you can do but to continue on. I know some will say that people wallow and sit in their shit times, but truthfully they do not. No one can sit there while in a bad time of their lives, as time moves you foward and on.

I always think of something I believe - that things can get worse, so bad, and at the worst, then you can only begin to go up. At the darkest moments, you have to realize that there is light somewhere for you. Kind of like, things have to get worse, so bad, before they can look better.

I think that's true, because I thought I was bad before, but this third time of thinking I'm going to get a job and being one upped by some unforeseen force, some internal worker, it's just hard to cope with someone when all the things, everything pointed that you were going to get that job.

Everyone, everything told me I would get it, and now I don't have it.

And that is hard to deal with. Of course there are difference facets of this, like thinking you're going to get an A and you get a B. Thinking that you'll get a boyfriend and you don't. Thinking it'll work out and it doesn't.

Things shift and change to much for my liking. To many kinks are thrown in my life, it seems I can't get a brake anymore. I used to be lucky, so lucky and so much believing that things work out and things will be okay, but I just am losing faith fast.

Just feel let down.

It's hard and I can't even talk to my parents and they haven't called me. I don't know why, I guess because they kept saying I was going to get that job and kept telling me to be positive and now ... look. I told my mom "SEE I TOLD YOU emailing an interviewer never produces good news."

So I think they are equally hurt and maybe thinking, oh shit more of this stuff and more stress of us stressing over you.

Yeah. I'm now the black sheep the kid your parents don't talk about because there is nothing to say.

Michigan is poison to me now as if I were to go there, people would ask what I'm doing and when I'm coming back. Questions I don't want to hear or answer.

I get upset thinking about this so I will not even speak of it now because I want my eyes to dry out before I tear up all over again.

Anyway, I just feel out of control or maybe tired of fighting and just need some good news to make me perk up again. I guess I'm seeking hope because my hope was dashed out and extinguished yesterday in a shit way. I just wish I had a point to my life right now.

So anyway ... I think I'll run to the grocery store as we need milk and some eats for tomorrow and Monday. I'm bored, tired of being home ....

Oh yes.

Another one of my fish died this morning. This means I've had a fish die about everyday for the past 3 days. Roundy, stripes and now neon. All ka-put. If I lose another tomorrow I'm not sure what to think. I know blackie looks kinda werid today. Oh no. The fish that died today, I just threw in the trash. He was so tiny, I didn't feel like flushing him cause that creeps me out that I'll somehow tinkle on him by some freak flushing thing.

Man, that sucks, didn't get job, three fish die, parents won't talk to me, ... geez what a week.

I think God is mad at me or something, or someone put a curse on me ... or like grandpa used to say "the evil eye" is on me. One, or all of them is really kicking my ass right now. I TRIED really hard to be a good, nice person and it's like hey it didn't work! Maybe I should be myself again and see if that works.

Oh well, I'm off to the store, I have such a taste for a zinger. ha ... I don't know why!! ;) Like a chocolate zinger! Ooh doesn't that sound good? Maybe a vanilla zinger. I wish they made like combo packages. Mmmm I call this EMOTIONAL EATING, which is why I'm going to go pop a pill.

Ya they are working folks too - but I think it's also because of my daily walks ... but I can see my body has tightened up a bit and I do feel energetic anymore. I know pills suck, but fuck it, what else have I got to do?

Ohhh yeah, this dude who keeps IM'ing me, called me on my cell phone. He's kinda nice, but he is 23 years old! Plus ... he's strange, but seems kind of sweet and a guy who actually wants a relationship. Not those fucks who talk and talk and talk, and all they do it fucking TALK.

Right now I'm not looking for a relationship, but I will talk to guys and if something happens, it happens. If not, I'm okay with that. Maybe I'm asexual because I just have no desire to get to know someone now. Literally none, maybe I can't take in all their worries and wants or feeling nervous about them all the time. I don't know.... Hell maybe in my new found, return to post-Jenny I should just go out and have FUN.

�

pet ramps