WELL Got emailed back by my interviewer:

Jennifer,

Thanks for your note. Believe it or not, I just concluded interviews. There is a very strong internal candidate and, I'm sure something you'd understand, the practice generally is to give internal candidates a slight edge. I do think, however, that you would be a strong candidate for any design jobs we might have open. In any case, once a decision is made, everyone will be notified and all applications filed will be kept on file with human resources. Thanks for your interest.

Yeah.

I got that letter this gray, gloomey and rainy morning.

I read that letter shaking and trembling I sat stunned for about 10 minutes ... I cried, but didn't realize I was crying, and didn't care that I was crying. I kept thinking. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

My chest throbbed and my cheeks burned and my eyes teared but I didn't feel any of it.

I told my parents and sister who both seem to think instantly they have an answer and that hey, that means you're still in the running and hey maybe she told the design section about you.

I tell them, I've applied to so many design jobs there with no reply back, nothing. I applied for a job there about a week and a half ago. I know a designer just quit and I'll apply for her job ... but will I hear anything?

Probably not, that's just how my luck is anymore.

Which makes me weep. Which makes me wonder what the fuck I ever did to my karma, my luck or to God for making me jobless and feeling so shitty about myself that I dare say things like this to provoke another crying attack. Another tear farm, another pity party and another reason why I am beginning to feel depressed majorly right now.

I think I cried about 5 times today, just thinking about it, talking about it, makes me cry.

I guess I should suck it up, but as I talked to Pooks about it and he told me his joblessness stories, it just made me cry for him, for us, for our state of being because we're both hard workers. I'm talented, creative, and unemployed type of thing.

So mom says to recruit my old interviewer into telling and getting the word out to that BITCH who never calls me in the design department. Ma says to ask her how to get a job there, what I need to do and all of that kind of hopeful, after school, made for tv type of movie shit. Like in the end, in white letters on a black background it'll say that Jen finally got a job at whereever, doing whatever and now is happy.

But unfortunately, I'm in the SHIT PART of the movie where everything seems hopeless and the more hopeless it seems the more people want to spoon feed you false hope and try to talk you into thinking everything is alright.

But it's not and I know that and everyone knows that, but still they want to "cheer" me up and right now. Just right now, I don't want to be cheered up. I want to go hide away in a hole until I can get myself together, because I haven't cried and felt this bad in a very very long time.

Not even on the ship, no, I felt this bad when I worked in Michigan for the first couple of months. But perhaps this is worse as having no job means literally having no life. No money, nothing. Can't buy anything, can't go out, can't have anything interesting to say in conversations.

So yes, I'm majorly a basket case today and feel mighty low and dont' want to talk about it and don't want to think about it and just wish I could be ALONE today because my sister will come popping in and all cheery and probably going out tonight, my parents will call with hopeful insights and then the darken "what are you going to do?" question and then...everyone will come together and say, gosh Jen we're worried about you and we're sorry and keep looking up because you'll get a job.

That's what I don't want right now and so much right now, I feel like all my hope is gone, completely gone.

So today I found a graphic designer job in a nearby area - and applied. Job posted on Aug. 8 - so it's been 3 weeks and I don't even know if it's up anymore. And next week will be fun when my interviewer calls, which I doubt she will ... I love the "you understand" part of her letter.

Because NO I DON'T understand. So she won't call and I'll be at home sitting here thinking just what to do now. What now ... don't want to go back to Michigan - and would they even hire me now?

Don't want to talk to my parents, or see them and wish I didn't have to see my sister or talk to her. I think I just need to be alone and just kind of lay low for a bit because I don't know what to even think about right now. It's easier sometimes to just cry it out, no thoughts just tears. I feel pretty foolish praying to God and all of that now. Because prayer doesn't work does it? This is the third time a job has left me in the dumps, down and out ... and each job I prayed to God like mad for it...and look ... 3 strikes you're out.

What does this all mean?

�

pet ramps