I didn't sleep well again. I don't know why sometimes I just lay there and can't stop thinking. A million thoughts go through my mind.

Some worries are put to rest and I talk things out ... and still I lay there wide awake. So I finally went to sleep I think at 3 a.m. then woke up at 6:30 to my sister getting up and her talking to me. I wanted to kill her! I usually sleep well in the morning, but she totally woke me up. So I tried to get back to sleep and suddenly got paranoid that someone was breaking in. I acumulated every creak and crack to the burgular breaking in oh so quietly.

So I got up finally, and all day have just felt blah to say the least. I think it's my PMS and worry.

Today I did take a vitamin because sometimes that helps!

Anyway, I was mainly active today, and raked the lawn in the front then mowed. It was a lot to do! I got bit by a bee unknowingly - until I took a shower and felt the sting.

I mean as I mowed I saw a bee attacking me, and felt a tiny pinch, but I thought it was in my imagination. I think I reacted a bit to it cause when it happend I felt woozy - it was a huge bee too! My whole arm aches where it bit me - like my muscles in that arm. It's weriod.

I feel okay though right now.

I went to the bank and went grocery shopping as well. Spent $31 bucks! :) Usually groceries are $80 ... but I just bought the bare neccessities. I was like fuck this, I don't have the money!

See my checking account is very very low now. My savings only has $950 in it. You tell me how much longer I can live w/o a job?

So I'm just very antsy about this whole - job thing. I mean I wish they would CALL me.

I talked with my mom today and realized some things ... that it's very good they haven't called me to tell me I flunked the test. I think they would've called me last week if I had flunked. They knew the results on Monday night...and now it's been a week since they checked that test. So I think this week now, is deciding who'll be the person.

They took the job off the site Friday (my mom says it was then, but it could've be thurs. or earlier - we didn't notice it until Friday!) ... so that's good.

Also people are like ... dude with your experience ... etc that I am made for this job.

I really feel good about that ... ya know, but feel like...okay so where is the ace in the sleeve? I always seem to be one-uped by someone who's just a bit better, more educated, more experience.

I guess maybe I'm damaged in that way - just scared that someone better than me has wooed them.

But so far, I can't think of anyone who'd want this job besides - college students/ recent grads ... because truthfully this newspaper has a monopoly here, so for someone to move into this position would have to be coming from elsewhere.

I don't know. So many things and it's hard to think about because you can make up a case for both.

Like I really want to know if I got the job, but at the same time I don't.

Just in case it's bad news. I really don't know what I'll do if it's bad.

I keep on praying and keep feeling good sometimes about it, then other times like right now, I feel so scared that I won't get it.

Although all the signs have pointed to a positive...it's still a scary job market out there and if not this job, then what?

Really, then what? I keep praying to God and thinking this out ... I keep saying I'll decide the "then what" when I hear it ...

Either start planning on moving or start planning on how to move my life around to accomodate this job ... that newness.

Oddly enough, my horoscope and all of those things keep saying...get prepared for that job! Get prepared for the change in your life!

So it's like, is that a hint? I keep asking God for a sign, just what to do if I don't get this ... and so far I don't feel much.

I guess I think what I can do right now is to be positive. To ... think and trust in myself that I DO indeed have a chance and a really good chance.

It's just so hard when you want to start rebuilding your life somewhere and ... you can't.

Like that dude I'm talking to in Chicago. I really like him, but at the same time, it's like ... what if I want a relationship with him? Then what if I have to move? ...

Or like my sister who wants to sign me up for a class in Oct. I keep holding back because I just DO NOT know where I'm going to be in Oct. I don't know where I'll be next week.

Sometimes I feel like, hey I be learning this job and I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch. I don't want to be to confident in that the tide turns in this thought.

I don't know, as I say, sometimes it's just easier not to think about.

Tomorrow scares me as I am going to ask my connection if he's heard anything. He is very honest and straight forward with me, which is a blessing and also a bad thing especially if he tells me things that I don't want to hear, or not ready to hear.

But that's not being positive...it's just ...

Argh. I want to hear it, but I want the news to be good. Ya know?

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pet ramps