It was a shopping day today, which is never bad.

My sister and I tiddled in Bath and Body and I got some magnolia lotion and body spray (thanks to a sale).

We bought my ma some bubble bath from the body shop (OVER PRICED - the bubble bath cost $18 DOLLARS for this not-even-a-liter bottle!)

Looked in Lane Bryant - saw my sash top, saw my pink top with matching black pin stripe pants...alas didn't buy a thing. Told my sister that she's lucky I'm not working or else I'd be in that outfit, then rethought that comment (I never said I was smart).

Then browsed in Marshall Fields, saw two skirts I'd buy if I had money (marked down to $60 bucks each.)

Then grumbled about having no money to myself, then got scared as a black man followed us in the mall then out the door, I turned around and gave him a "get the fuck away" look and he distanced himself. It was kinda scary. I was ready to throw down though.

After that I foolishly bought Kill Bill 2 and Sex in the City season 2 on DVD. Don't know why I buy stuff when I'm feeling low about being jobless.

Am talking to two new guys. Good, great, grand, but I'm not really into dating right now, more involved within to give something of myself and to someone else, so I'll just play the game for a bit and won't be heart broken when they skitter off. They always seem to be the leavin' ones, while me, I'm miss "I won't let ya go!" well unless they piss me off, are assholes or hurt my feelings in anyway. Both are college educated, in their 30's. One in Chicago, one in NW Indiana. We'll see.

It's cold out today and this week is supposed to be chilly. I don't mind it and am kinda relieved that I don't have to worry about the light bills.

I told myself today that it's getting to the wire. I feel I'm expiring as I put an expiration date on when I should be employed and right now, it's the when-I-should-hear-from-them scheme. I'm probably jumping the gun as today is only Tuesday and I talking to my friend on Thursday (he took Friday off) and well ... maybe he forgot to email me? Or something of that nature. I will IM and hound him once I see him on AOL.

The other place, the Chicago place, really pisses me off! How can they wait and take their time like this? I'm praying I'll get some job, the old newspaper job lickity split (in my dream world) and when they call I can say, "Oh, well you never replied back to me and I thought you had selected another candidate, sorry I have a job." Something like that.

Now watch some GOON who reads my diary will read that one statement I just said and say "congrats on the job!" I really HATE when people do that and don't fully read someone's diary, note, etc.

Anyway, I just am beginning to feel ... I don't know ... I guess just TIRED. Not only that, but I feel like I don't know what to do. And not only that, I feel almost that some of my friends have scoffed me off and not being very .. you know ... friend, surportive-ness to me. Just kinda like ... "don't have a job yet? ... oh ... well let me tell you about how my co-worker is such a blah blah blah."

Uh thanks.

Anyway, I wish at least something would happen because right now ... I'm feeling mighty low boss, mighty low.

I'm trying to be a bit upbeat and overall good person thinking GOD MIGHT BE WATCHING AND MIGHT THROW ME A FRIGGIN JOB BISCUIT. But that hasn't really happend has it?

I'm kind of blah about going back to Michigan, my old boss NEVER replies to my emails and it PISSES ME OFF. Now the publisher is in like Flynn with me and will always toss me back and email saying HI and we miss you! But him, no, I think he's doing the "I'll ignore you until you call" thing and I bet he'll be SMUG if I do call and ask to work there again. My pride just churns in me when I think of that. JUST CHURNS let me tell you.

Anyway, you do what you gotta do. Just sometimes I want to cry to someone about how I just don't know what to do and wish they'd have the answer. My mom seems to make it all clear, but that's only superficial clearness because after a while, things are still the same and you look at yourself in the mirror and just feel shame.

Speaking of shame, I think I'm going to begin Weight Watchers again. Just something to get me eating correctly again. I said poo on eating like I'm 10 pounds, not to mention I must start exercising again.

Am I depressed? I never know when I am, and usually expect people in great turmoil to be in that state of mind. I think I'm just very frustrated and it's beginning to eat me up. Something has to give somehow, someway ... it just has to.

I'm trying to think what life lesson this is, other than don't jump with out a good, very good place to land. But alas, I know that lesson, and just wish that something would get the ol' ball moving.

I need to re-focus myself and job search again and cut my pride and go for it.

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pet ramps