Today is not a good day. It's one of those days you can just cry for no reason, cry for the sake of crying.

I was looking at some unemployment depression sites - and the one kind of made me laugh. The sections about how friends seem to abandon you when you're low - when you think they'd be there helping you out ... well by God that is so fucking true.

You're kind of left to struggle on your own, but perhaps it should be extended to everyone you know. Everyone, family, friends, everyone.

I don't know what I expect, but it seems just recently, just now my parents are beginning to worry about me. I don't see how they can expect me to be happy all the time when a very intrical part of a persons life is missing.

What I figured out, is that being unemployed is embarassing. You go out with people and pay $6 bucks to see a movie, then mourn that $6 bucks because damn it that buys you food. You go shopping and find a kick ass outfit, but say I don't have the money nor a place to wear it to.

You think, fuck my credit card has $500 on it at least, I have $1,700 to survive on for a few more weeks.

You think, why won't my contact talk to me? Why doesn't the Chicago job call? Why doesn't my old boss reply to my emails? Why is it so easy to ignore me?

And somehow, people expect you to be happy and jolly and act like life is wonderful.

You think, well hell I can't even get a boyfriend. You think, hell I can't even lose 10 pounds. You think, hell my sister has told me more than once this is her house and her boyfriend says I've taken it over.

And you think, is life going to get any better than this? Before, the only certainity in my life was my career, now I don't even have that, and people want me to smile and tell them everything is alright, I'm just fine. I'm great.

Not so great. Not so fine.

But alas, others are to wrapped up in their lives and I don't expect them to pour themselves into me. But to wait until I'm depressed all the time, and then say, "oh what's wrong?" Sorry, it doesn't work that way. Like my sister asking me about my job situation yesterday like I hadn't thought of HALF the things she said to me. I plainly said I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, but in talking about it, makes it a reality of sorts.

And hearing other peoples great news, it equally as damaging. I got a new job! I lost 40 pounds! etc. I'm sorry to a person like me, it just brings up the bad stuff, the stuff I don't have but want and don't even know how to get anymore.

Talk therapy they say is key, but I don't want to talk about these things and better to roll it around in my head and let myself come to my own decisions.

What I found funny - is I saw where someone said they stopped writing letters to people. I thought on this and finally understood it, why write letters when there is no good news? What is there to talk about?

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pet ramps