Okay I need to focus on weight loss for a while.

Today I felt the dreaded uncomfortable FAT. You know when you see a large person and they just look uncomfortable doing normal things like walking?

Today and lately I've noticed how my body is not acting very fit-ish. Like on the ship when I could run up 3 flights of stairs like it was nothing? Well now last night I turned over in bed and caught myself HUFFING.

I was like WHAT THE FUCK!?

Then the other day, I was dragging a HUGE branch in the backyard (it was the size of a fucking TREE - the trunk of it was about as round as someone's upper arm!)...it was heavy as hell and when I finally struggled with it into the back, I was so out of breath it was'nt funny.

Of course I also find crazy aches and finding none of my clothes fit me anymore and now I look at 3x's instead of 2x's and look at sizes 26's instead of 24's. God I was in 22's before I left.

I've been thinking "oh I'll diet/exercise TOMORROW" in Scarlett O' Hara fashion of there is no TOMORROW ... I keep saving it for another day. Then another and now I'm like shit.

So I realized moments ago that I am an emotional eater. I've been feeling pretty blue lately and have been looking to the kitchen for support.

I eat, when I'm not hungry. I eat when I'm full. I see it's such and such of time and it's time for a snack, then another snack, then hey let's go get ice cream.

Emotional eating, using food to fill the void.

Anyway, I don't want to DIET, I want to cut back, but not say it's a diet because I don't want to live on a DIET. I want to eat less and say that is my way of eating for life.

I also need to start exercising again. Actually do the slim in 6 program - do the 6 week thing because truthfully, I haven't been doing my tapes since I got back from Michigan.

I don't know why I'm not trying right now. I think that maybe it's a control thing, because right now I don't have much control in my life - I'm out of control - and not ready to take the reins until I feel there is a reason to.

So I need to battle this because right now I'm in my jeans and feel like they are going to fucking POP on me and the button is going to get dislodged in some poor unsuspecting SOUL outside.

Anyway, I got in a fight with my sister today - well actually she talked at me and was really stupid. It was so petty of a fight that I did'nt even retort. But it's the second day where she has said "this is MY house."

And that pisses me OFF. I hate that because the things that I did that she got pissed at was just trying to HELP her out. But now I see, I shouldn't help her out. It's her house and be damned that she can take care of the things that happen. I'm just some porch mouse that has taken residence for a just a while.

Anyway, I pray to GOD, that I get called for an interview by my old job!

I found a book on spells today, it was kinda neat - I'm going to perform the money spell tonight and if I get a job interview, I'll do the good interview spell. heheh

God knows it probably doesn't work, but just gives you false confidence (ala like the Tarot readings) ... but I'm ok with that.

Hmm.

Anyway, today I bought a hybiscus on ebay. I love those flowers. I'm not sure why I bought it, I guess just because I've been wanting another one.

I also finished one block of my crazy quilt. It doesn't look to bad. At first I thought it looked to scattered, but as I look at it more, it's interesting. So 1 down, 35 to go...*groan* .... I also have to do the embellishments on it, which will take some time. Maybe, I should, er ... make something smaller that would be like 12 blocks? ;) I'm notrious for NEVER finishing projects I start (ala the half hooked rug under my bed, the chairs I'm meant to paint for my sister, violin lessons (not even practicing!) ... and now quilting.)

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pet ramps