I think I've sunk to a new low.

As I went out and bought the Sex in the City season 1 dvd due to lack of activites tonight, I witnessed a old lady and a young girl get in a fight.

I bought my DVD and some fat quarters for my crazy quilt project and a clear ruler to measure fabric with.

I went home, unpacked and looked at the fabrics for my crazy quilt that I'm spending to much money on already. A $20 here, a $10 there, it all adds up in the end to to much.

Anyway, my sister went out tonight to the bookstore to meet her friend/teacher friend and her daughters friends, etc.

I think she lied because of some things she did before she left.

Note she's talking to two guys on AOL that she just laughs and giggles for hours yes HOURS on the net and suddenly a voice mail is left.

She notes these are just friends and I noted for her that she has a boyfriend and if she is even thinking of dating them, meeting them, then that's a sign you need to break up with your boyfriend.

I know, dating advice from me, miss single is like getting stock advice from Martha Stewart.

But I felt a bit peeved because I know relationships are hard, and that by talking to other guys who ask for a date cannot be "just a friend."

I'm not stupid, and I told her if she is so comfortable about it, then tell her boyfriend. But no.

She didn't.

And tonight, she mused on what to wear, asking me my opinion.

I said "Who fucking cares it's just your teacher friend?" She says the daughter dresses so nicely...WHAT!?!?

Then she takes a shower and puts on makeup - which she NEVER WEARS.

She comes downstairs and I smell PERFUME.

Seem my sister is kind of the tomboy of the family, I'm the girlie one - the one always in makeup and perfume ... but for her to be in those things, it puts up red lights.

It smells like a lie.

But I know, if you have to lie to your own sister about meeting a guy, then that's off to a great start is it not? She can do what she wants, but anymore, her morals and how she feels about other peoples feelings ... is well ... selfish.

My mom told me while we were in Michigan how hard it is to get along with her. She's angry, in a bad mood and doesn't care what you think.

I don't know how or why she gets that way, she harbors some bad feelings towards my parents due to the BOYFRIEND, and fuck me if I'd let my own parents dictate my life.

But regardless, I mused on this subject for a while tonight.

I've been trying to eat healthier, so I got a slice of watermelon and about 2 handfuls of cherries.

Bad bad BAD choice. The mixture somehow ran through me and I felt like some chick who takes ex-lax to lose weight. Yikes.

I then realized that tonight I spent doing a cross word puzzle, getting my crazy quilt shit together and watching Sex in the City and saying FUCK I've seen all of these already!!

I've sunken to a new low. Talk about a shitty, I have no LIFE night. Watching the show made me feel like I have nothing.

They go through relationships so easily and it makes me wonder if there is a certain number of men you must date before you find "the one." Maybe I'm missing out on this type of Sex in the City life.

It makes me wish that I A. Lived in a city, B. had three close friends C. was beautiful/had a nice body. D. rich and E. Had their confidence.

But alas, I am a doddering ol' 27 year old overweight girl planning her crazy quilt and wondering what is a four letter word for "has no life."

Yeah I'm a loser.

I won't deny this fact right now. I can't seem to get my act together anymore. Today I had a mini breaking point that almost lead to tears as me and Pooks comiserated about our unemployed-edness. We both said it sucks when you know people who are employed and tell you just how to find that job.

They tell you to have hope, courage. They tell you to try careerbuilder and monster.com like you haven't tried this.

Yet, they don't really understand it when you see your saving account dwindling and say you could at the very least work as a secretary or some entry-level job.

They don't seem to understand that after applying to those jobs, they are turned away being over-qualified. Even Target or Walgreens think that that piece of paper is just to much. That "she must be flighty because she has a degree and we're not in her field."

That is understandable. I understand. I really do. I just don't like being yanked around.

Case in point, that place that interviewed me twice said they would come up with a decision last week, now it's a week later and nothing. No answer to my email.

Like they fell off the face of the earth. Kind of relationship-ish - like the guy who stopped talking to me suddenly and how new boy stopped talking to me (well that was mutual.)

Am I one of those girls that guys leave suddenly? To perfect, not enough staying power that I transcend? To available?

Hm.

Makes a gal think.

Regardless, me and pooks are pulling out our hair with worry and then getting in rages because we're struggling to work.

I think I'm to blame for his job kick. I think my obsession has transcended over to him because he's like me with checking daily for jobs. Although, I've tappered off because I'm tired of looking.

But in my looking and laughing at Pooks for applying to jobs that are to high up for him, I found two jobs to apply for today.

One at the old paper ... those fuckers who fool with my head with phone interviews and false hope. Yeah I go back to them like a bad relationship like I'll take that abuse just to get take back.

So again, I sent a resume and hope that I'll get called. I think they'll get it tomorrow or the following day. Then it's the waiting game.

I don't know, I think me and pooks are really close right now because we both are unemployed and I'm sorry, when you're not going through it, you really can't relate.

My mom drives me batty, she seems to think she knows how jobs work, what they want. Note she hasn't applied for a job since 82.

It infurates me.

I just want to change and I think I need that spark of something, some new change to react another change and have a snowball effect.

I also, very well, could go back to Michigan. I think about it a lot and wonder when my deadline for that is, when they will say "fuck it, fuck her, she's gone."

I didn't get to have lunch with my old bosses due to scheduling. Which was fine, I didn't want to go, not now. But I said I would be up there again in mid-August.

My boss said one old worker came back and now all they need back is one more - meaning me.

And odd and funny. When I got home and spoke to her, she said "Do we need to look for a job for you?" I said "maybe" and she said "well we don't have anything right now, but I'll keep it in mind."

HUH?

Anyway, sorry for blabbing about this, but seeing as I have nothing in my life right now it's ... well it's my life.

Makes me feel like I'll never get out of this rut and somethings, I know it's stupid, but somethings I just wish I wasn't me. Or wasn't here. Sometimes I wish I could start over from baby to child to adult, I wish I could be someone else.

Is that wrong?

�

pet ramps