I finally slept really well last night. I went to bed at 1 ish and finally went to sleep easily and slept in until around 10.

It was nice, finally to be so tired that to shut your eyes you just go to sleep without those midnight worries that I often have or things to think on forever into the night.

Sometimes I think I have ADD or a touch of it. I can't sit still or keep a clear thought in my head for more than a minute sometimes. Paying attention or actually watching something from beginning to end aren't something I do on a regular basis.

Maybe that's the gemini side to me, or else I'm just a flighty person.

Yesterday I brought out the tarot cards and my sister and I did mini-tarot readings and the question and answer phase.

I felt a bit off yesterday due to worrying about that Chicago job and why they haven't called. I've analyzed the thing to death and I know that's nothing because there are so many variatables.

My mom asked the tarot if I'd get that job, it said no. She asked if I'd get the Manistee job, it said yes. So I asked it if my dog will have puppies soon (he's a boy) and it said yes.

My dad asked for a reading on my grandma and if she'd die soon (it was kinda sad) and it said right now she's not doing good, but in the future she'll make it through.

Then I realized the false hope and also the breaking of hope these little paper cards that tell nothing held. Why does someone believe that a manufactured paper card could somehow tell their future?

Like how a Parkers Brothers game board could contact the dead.

Still, I guess as humans we cling to things that will somehow reveal the future so we can say with certainity "but the cards said I'd be getting a job soon!"

Just like my "real" tarot reading. She said it'd be coming soon in my field. How basic and hello DUH I could've told someone that. Then about the love life shit. The lady asked if I wanted another reading at 1/2 price, I said no.

I know she could just cut and paste what she told me last time into a IM and I'd see no difference.

I always seem to want one central thing in life and say that thing will fix the rest. Right now it's getting a job. Since then I'll have money, can save to move out/stop letting my parents pay for me, then I could lose weight due to not being able to eat all day then finally I could probably meet a guy just by being in a city with lots and lots of people.

Just like before I said if I only could lose weight, I could A. Find a job and B. find a boyfriend and then everything could be fixed!

I guess these mini lies and mini short-term fixes give us some false sense of well-being, content, but like the tarot, I could've told myself that even when you get these things, you'll find yourself needing something else to fix other things. Like getting a job, won't mean I'll lose weight or find a boyfriend.

What if I found a boyfriend, that would able me to lose weight for him and then find a job?

A kind of domino effect way of life. I don't know if that is what others do, or how to approach things.

Maybe not think of getting a job like that. Just get a fucking job. Don't worry about the rest.

Just fucking lose weight, don't worry about the rest.

Right now, I'm in a "must lose weight" kind of thought because I weighed myself today and could've swore my dog was on the scale with me. I didn't weigh in the buff like I normally do, but in my PJ's - and unless my PJ's weigh 10 pounds, then ....

I kept thinking ... maybe it's because I'm bloated? Maybe it's because I've been working out recently that I've gained muscle? Or maybe it's because I've been eating pretty shitty lately.

Yeah that could be it! Maybe those 4 sticks of butter, two cups of sugar and chocolate and other goodies for these cookies that I've made twice now has zapped any weight loss efforts.

I know my self and my sister keep saying we need to get more healthy, but that seems a feat sometimes with cooking healthy and there is only so many times and ways to make chicken. We both aren't big meat eaters and personally I'm not a salad eater.

So it leaves you with a daily double at McDonald's, eating and then feeling self-loathing. The vicious weight loss circuit I find myself on anymore.

I saw on TV a guy said that if you're trying to lose weight and you cut your diet up, that you will GAIN merely because you're in that diet thinking. For some reason it makes you a rebel against yourself like screw you body! I'm staying fat!

But I have been harking on getting a job so I can pack a healthy lunch (yes healthy) and ... not being able to eat all day, etc.

I don't know, I'm just rambling.

Just worried about my life in general, I know it'll work out and I could come back to Michigan, but I'm feeling like I don't really wanna now. Just the lifestyle of course. Kinda like the ship life, just kinda.

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pet ramps