I'm feeling slightly sick right now. Kind of like a worry, self-pity party type of sick.

Plus I think I swallowed toothpaste when I brushed my teeth a few moments ago.

Anyway, I've had a bad, terrible headache all day. I think it's the barometer due to the vast weather change here in Michigan.

Well, I'm still unemployed. That job that said "well maybe we'll make a decision mid-week to end of week" ... er ... has not called me.

I figured since I requested to KNOW either way the outcome of the job thing, that they would've contacted me. Nevertheless, not knowing and knowing seems the same right now. I kind of dread each because it just felt so right and this sudden silence, is killer.

So I'm kind of letting myself fall a bit because I've been so running high off the hog as if I got the job that I haven't really suspected that there is a remote possiblity that I don't in fact have the job.

I think of my job interview last week and feel like crying. I'm tired of these mini interviews, a hour with Jen B and her insite into why she left her last job and what makes her just so darn special and cuddly.

It's like my mini talk-show circuit.

So I'm just tired of this up in the air stuff, and feel like I've been run ragged lately with emotional highs and lows all in one day or hour or minute.

So I'll just leave it at that. I nearly had a heartattack when I saw that Chicago job posted in Careerbuilder - I wanted to cry, but realized that Careerbuilder is fucked up because it's a old post (the originally one I applied to) and realized that I should probably calm down a bit.

So I'm in Michigan until Tuesday. I kept thinking, "Gosh they'll call Friday and tell me to start Monday!" Wonder, great, grand! I thought, boy I can't wait!! No calls, nuthin. Very scary indeed. Try not to think on it right now.

Also my parents ran into my old boss twice now and they were banking that I'd be coming back. I told my boss that I wasn't employed (emailed) because my mom said I was employed.

So I know I can fall back here if it comes down to it and I pray to God that it doesn't come down to it. A part of me wants to come back because it's familiar and I know I can do this job easily. But a part of me wants to get a new job to explore and learn more and just evolve.

If I have to come back to Michigan, I am moving out. Plain and simple. I can't live with my parents, not anymore. It's time I guess.

So I feel good and bad right now. I feel bloomed and budding. I think next week will be telling and the following weeks ahead will be a test. I can't say that life hasn't been a series of up's and down's for me since January, but I did do this to my own self. I am not complaining.

Okay anyway.

I read some diaries tonight for the sake of being curious and voyeristic. I love to read those virgin diaries.

I don't know why, but being a 27 yr old virgin bothers me anymore. It's like getting a job and I just want to get it over with because I feel that sometimes I just seem so innocent and just to fucking goodie goodie.

I know losing it won't really make me some rough mama, but maybe my ego/self would evolve as well. FEEL like a woman, not a girl.

But finding a good guy is just as hard as finding a job. I figure I can date Chicago men IF I get a job up there. Hell after work type of "let's meet!" or "Let's have Lunch!"

That'd be lovely. But right now, being a Indiana'er gal, it's hard for me to date anyone anymore. I get some hits by fucking freaks and I get some hits on married guys who want to have sex. Or guys who just want to "have fun."

I can't say those moments of "losing it" aren't there. But that's to whorey for me to do - although I read a girls diary tonight who did exactly that.

In a stupid move a guy IM'ed her and told her she had a "nice rack" and boy that was love at first IM for her. She called him since he lives w/ his parents, they fooled around in his car.

Now that's class.

That's not what I want.

I wish I was religious so I could use that, but I'm not. Maybe I'm to picky, or to scared or whatever.

I just do not want to be a 30 yr old virgin. That will be the time when desperation calls.

For now, I'll just let it lay and wonder just want the fuck my parents think of me as my mom pushes me to date and my dad asks if I work out.

Yes your virgin fat unemployed daughter.

Aren't you proud?

�

pet ramps