Damn. Got my Slim in Shit 6 DVD's today. That means it's REAL and that I can't continue eating and not exercising like a goof.

SO yeah. Damn. I start Monday. I'm being lazy or perhaps a bit afraid that I'll...what...lose weight?

Ha. I'm so fucked up, it's not even funny.

Anyway, so I got the stuff, have the plan made out. Happy I re-ordered the stuff because it looks slightly difficult.

Oh well will post on here what I go through, etc.

****

Today I think perhaps I've seen a few omens.

See we have a robin who built a nest in our porch light. We tore down this nest at least three times and the bird rebuilt it every time. So we finally said Fuck it, she likes it there.

So we have a robin in our porch light, the babies have just cracked out of their shell and now when you open the front door you see the mother robin glaring at you (she used to fly away) and you see three little open beaks. The papa robin stands out in the yard with his feathers completely ruffled as if to say what the fuck you looking at?

Today I was watching the baby birds and watched as the mama robin completely chased a squirrel off - literally down the street for just coming near the porch.

Yet she leaves me and my sister alone, just gives us dirty looks and probably thinking she can't wait until she doesn't have to care for those little birds.

Anyway, I also see two squirrels now in our yard ... I call them the couple. I watched as they both were jumping tree to tree. The one going so fast, the other trying to keep up, but afraid to make those jumps. Afraid of falling.

I realized.

Perhaps I'm that second squirrel sometimes.

Perhaps I'm that bird that goes pecking at people when they come remotely close to me.

I just feel nuts lately. This whole possible relationship thing is scary to me. So I react my overreacting.

Last night I felt shitty when I talked to the boy. I don't know why I am so cruel sometimes and felt like crying when I got off the phone because I was a bit to cold to him. And I felt like I hurt his feelings somehow.

I also sent him my photos and he didn't really say anything. That scares me. I mean, I at least EXPECT to hear something. I mean anything. Just tell me ew or wow. Something. I suspect he'll call me tonight and perhaps comment.

Or ... he won't call and I'll have this heavy chest feeling. This scared that I've blown it when so far we've been pretty chummy.

*Sigh*

I wanted this? Is this how it is?

I think it's hard to deal with all these emotions I have lately. With not having a job, trying to lose weight, and now trying to date.

God.

I just like him a lot, I don't know why, he already pisses me off sometimes. But other times I just smile and laugh at him with pure warmth.

Then I say stupid, cold shit and wonder what the fuck am I doing? Kind of like don't want to get close cause what if we meet and he doesn't like, or if I don't like, or whatever?

SIGH, MAJOR FUCKING SIGH.

I feel like crying right now. Maybe that's what I need.

I feel like I can't find a job - the lady in Chicago didn't call me back. And God, my life is beginning to feel so complicated and I don't have everything I wanted yet.

I don't even know what to pray for right now. Clarity? Let me like the guy and him like me when we meet?

OKAY ENOUGH OF THAT

Next week is going to be crazy for me. New diet, one job interview (maybe two), not to mention my sister is leaving for a trip to Ireland next week. So alone time.

Oh my. I know I'll probably plan a day to meet him too. Then what...God, then what.

Oh well, my vitamins are making me feel hot - something in them makes me feel like I'm flushed.

�

pet ramps