This week is going by extremely slow. See this week and next I'm helping out my sister with a PowerPoint class.

I really am happy that I'm not a teacher. It's just not meant for me.

Anyway, It feels like a million years ago in a far far away land I worked for a cruise line.

In that dream that turned into a nightmare, it seems to haunt me that I might not have quit due to the fact that one of my friends on the ship says I'm still in the "roll call."

So it's like God giving me a second chance, saying, look you're still employed and you can go back if you want. Like stop bitching about being unemployed because you're technically still employed.

And that I could go back and act like some nut called and left that "I quit" message on the phone.

But I'm going to email someone tomorrow and tell them I quit for real.

So I feel at odds and really really am disappointed with my life right now. I apply for numerous jobs and feel like I don't fit the ticket for any of them.

I sit here pissed that my college hasn't called me for a second job interview. I was fooled yet once again by them, fooled into thinking that great interview would be a ticket into job-dom.

But no, I emailed my interview and in a cold, shit tone as if I was just doing a cold call, she says that the managers will decide and then will call those candidates. Hello, I was merely asking if this has begun yet.

I wanted to say just fucking tell me YES or NO. It's not that hard is it?

I guess it is, and knowing my luck I'll get the job in Hanover Park, IL - a job where I know NOTHING. A interview I sucked ass on.

Yeah, I'll get a second call for that one, that is my luck.

Sometimes I have a lot of hope about my future, then suddenly reality comes crashing down and I realize that my money is seriously dwindling and there is no income to fill the coin pot up again.

I figure, figure and wonder just where I should work as a part time, money thing. I shutter to think of working at Target or at a bookstore. Some retail ... though working for Lane Bryant might be really nice. Oh ooh Marshall Fields!

But I feel to snobby for this, maybe it'll add to my character. And I wonder what God is thinking of this all and what he plans for me. Is he laughing? Saying I get what I deserve?

I'm not a religious person, but sometimes I want to be one of those people where God tells them things, whispers in their ears before they close their eyes to sleep at night. Or gives signs and imagines of what to do, or what will come.

But I feel lost in a void and not even my supposed psychic-like mind has any faint idea of what is to become of me.

Everyone now, is wordless. Kind of like no more words are left to explain, help or understand where I should go.

So that means I'm the one to fill that void and make my cake and eat it without complaint since I made it on my own.

Oh well...I do feel like something is coming, like I'm waiting for something and it's coming along soon. Just in the nick of time.

But for now, I will look at my horoscopes, and signs and analyze it all into some form of what,where I should do, go, from now.

Tomorrow, I am getting two resumes put together. I really hate to get clippings together - the one job requires 10 clippings! So I'll write a list of which ones to use ... scan them into the computer and save them on PDF or jpeg or something like that.

Send them off and wait again. Wait a few days, a week, then wonder what's going on. Then I'll feel hopeful that something has to come up, somewhere.

So right now, I'm still looking to date someone, now that I have that time.

I'm also still fucking WAITING FOR MY SLIM SHIT 6 program! Fucking shit, it's been like 3 weeks now. Hello it doesn't take this long to mail some dvd's! I got a package from England within a week. Grrr.

I want to really work on my weight. I bought myself (with my birthday money) a DVD player for my bedroom so I can exercise in there. - Don't think I'm blowing money on friverous shit - I've cut my spending a lot ... no more clothing (oh my god it's so hard), shoes (groan) and make up.

I've been cooking at home and trying to save save save. I'm a fucking slave to my sister because I feel like I have to pay my keep somehow.

Tomorrow I mow the lawn, wash dishes, cook dinner, clean, etc. I might as well be her lesbian lover. (Eww)

Yes, this is another low point in my life, but I know I'd be worse off if I went back to the ship. No, way, this is better than that.

I want to say that I'll be alright, but everytime I think that, a piece of me kicks myself and feels like I'm lying.

I don't know. I'm just tired of this all, I know I have no patience and need to find some.

I just want to find that cozy place in life that you fall into where you're safe and feeling like you can grow old peacefully.

I miss security. That is childhood, that is marriage. That is a job.

I have none of those things in my life right now. Nothing. What am I? What do I have?

Nothing of importance.

�

pet ramps