It's funny that a week ago, I was just getting into Michigan ... and to think that just two weeks ago, I was on that blasted shi(t)p.

Today my old roomie from the shi(t)p emailed to say she is going home - as they want her to leave.

I don't know why, but I know when I left she was very upset and before that she wanted to go. So I guess she made up her mind.

Kind of odd ... very strange if you ask me. She invited me to merry ol' England should I ever happen over there.

But poor gal, I wonder if she quit or did something they did not like? Oh well.

I applied for I think four jobs today. In my happy, sheer giddiness of applying for so many juicy jobs all 40-yr old, Grand Haven - now Arizonia man - could say is 'well I had to put out 100 resumes before I got a job.'

Thanks, oh so much. That really made me feel oh so much better! Asshole. Fucker. I said that and he said he was just trying to encourage patience in me. Like he's fucking God or something or my dad or some shit like that.

So I said FUCK PATIENCE. I've been patient for four God damn months.

Anyway, my sister isn't too happy and seemingly stressed out and perhaps a bit depressed. Ol' boyfriend moved out (after a big fight 1, then big fight 2 was the last straw.) So he's kaput and she's living la vida alone-na.

So she says she misses him, but at the same time is happy he's gone. She loves him, and they are still "dating" but I guess it's just something they both need. He needs to get his financial issues in order and also his life. Granted he is better off than he has been, but again, this was my sisters doing.

She likes to fix people and then in return likes them to kiss her ass like the Queen of Sheba. To which annoys the hell out of me. But that's her gig. I would date like mad so I'd know HE'S THE ONE type of thing. She doesn't know and maybe she is scared to go back into the dating pool.

My parents say she is scared I'll find some stud who has it all. I laughed and said if I find some stud who has it all, I'll be scared too.

I'm thinking about going on the NET to date. Yeah I know I always swear that off, but ... er ... I'm really bored. I know what a lousy excuse, and not to mention, I don't know where the FUCK I'm going in my life...but what the hell.

Anyway, I told my parents today that I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO the cruiseline. I just said it like that. And then felt a bit scared because of the impending doom or joblessness and dependableness on the parent/family.

I've NEVER, ever been w/o a job for like 4 yrs now, even longer. I'm a working gurl with mucho talents now, and it's like why isn't anyone calling me?

I feel that itch to contact my old job and I am going to. I just don't exactly know when to or what to say. My Ma says that just my luck I'll go back and boom a job will hit. But that's alright with me!!

I'm sure they won't hire me as they are plum full of workers at the moment. Taking me on would mean me working part time I'm sure. And ... er ... that's a sad fact. And then I feel hopeful that is tide is turning and something good will turn up real soon.

But who can tell what will happen tomorrow. I keep saying to myself that I've only been home a WEEK and since it's Memorial week no one will call me until next week. That illusion has been working so far for me, I don't know what I'll tell myself next week.

I've been walking this week - down the road by the lake. It's 3 miles - my dad says. To me it doesn't feel like it's that long, but I suppose it is. I'm trying to keep my body up and going and to NOT gain weight.

Oh well ... I played my violin today and it was as sour as a lemon. I was very rusty and clumsy. I'm going to call my violin teacher and see if she can tape up my violin and give me pointers.

Hmm right now I wish I could think clearly ... I just feel so confused. Like I can do this, but I can do that. It's like I go against myself. I guess I'm just confused and reaching to latch onto something certain right now.

I'm just very afraid of not finding something in time. I feel like there is a ticking time bomb and it says I have a month to get out of town ... but to me it could go off at any second. I guess this uncertainity and the sudden thought of did I fuck up my career?? Crosses my mind often, I refuse to answer it and tend to not think on it right now....

Just someone, anyone, tell me what I should do? No more clever quips and deep thoughs on things, a simple and pure answer is all I need.

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pet ramps