Ok finally got up to updating this here diaryland diary.

So my notes are back and er ... my "options" are back, so me paying $20 for Gold membership is finally paying off ... er ... ok.

So anyway I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. It's funny when you find time to start to think about your life instead of just about work, work, work, which I did for the past four months.

So I've been thinking about what I'm going to do and thinking about changing into someone I want to be and not some cheap imitation cause I'm to lazy to try.

So I've been posting my resumes like a mad woman. There is a site called Resume Rabbit and it charges you $60 bucks to put your resume out to 1.5 billion recruiters or something like that.

It just posts your resume to a lot of sites like Career Builder or Monster.

I was about to pay Careerbuilder $50 bucks to do that, but my credit card wouldn't work (security code problems) and now my card is locked from that site!

Fuckers! Oh well, why not pay ten more and have it sent to 1.5 billion!

Somehow I feel like it's a bad idea and I haven't done it just yet.

I have this really stupid thing where I think that the news designer job I applied for on Friday will call me Monday for an interview.

I know this a far, far fetch because I just do not feel like my portfolio is strong enough. Granted I've done a lot and do have the experience, but perhaps not enough for this paper just yet.

But stupidly I've held off on everything and am awaiting that disappointment Monday when the phone doesn't ring and I'm left sitting here feeling that ol' feeling of what the fuck am I going to do?

Regardless, I've felt good lately and not really rushing into job-search madness. I've kind of gone into Zen-Jen with telling myself it'll be okay and something will turn out. Then I start thinking about that fuzzy resumerabbit and start looking at my credit card with a mischevious grin.

Oh well I'm still thinking on it and still waiting for Monday (tomorrow) like my fairy godmother will touch my head with her wand and I'll be suddently employed as a news designer. Like the music will rise and the end of the movie will be just around the corner to that happy ending.

Heh.

Anyway, other than this, I cleaned out my closet and room a lot. I'm giving two huge, lawn bag bags of clothing and shoes to Goodwill. So they can put up a sign in the window that says "We have plus sizes available!" sign. But it had to be done. My mom looked at me in horror as I tossed clothing that were pratically new. Or things that I used to love in my old life, but now are tired looking, old clothes.

Yet still, I have to many clothes and it seems like a lot of them are those I save for ... "when I lose weight..." ones.

Yeah I have a whole collection from size 20 to size 16 (what was I thinking?!) ... and then I feel a slight tinge of guilt mixed with sadness that I haven't lost the weight I thought I would before I left on my four month trip.

But still, my clothing speaks volumes of someone who is confident, feminine, and business-like. I look at these things and despair that I don't have a job to wear them to. At my "current" job, I have a "costume" or should I say uniform of hellish cheap ass non-fitting shorts and polo in *gasp* white.

Yes, try having a heavy period and wearing white shorts. Or wearing white in a Print Shop working with TONER. Hello who thought of this? My white costumes were gray most of the time.

*Shutter* I hate to think of going back to that. Anyway, I thought on weight loss. And my eyes turned to my old lover, my old friend, my enemy and the thing that always pops in my head when it comes to weight loss: Weight Watchers.

I cracked open the booklets I have and read up a bit. My parents are Atkin folks and I wondered if I couldn't go a Atkins - WW mix of sorts.

I also thought of the realization someone had - I read this in a diet diary - that if you try a new diet and then get off it, quit it ... you've lost that golden moment. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's something with motivation and willingness.

They say it's not all that bad to lose your golden moment, and be happy you're back ... but still it leaves you with a negative feeling of failure. Maybe it's like going back to a lover because at first it was a new thing, then you left to try someone new - didn't like it and now you're back again because you know what you're getting into.

I guess it comes down to knowing what it's all about and then finding ways to cheat or seeing the newness wash away ...

Oh I don't know, but I thought of that moment. When I decided I wanted to try WW again.

In the booklet I also read a section of moments of weakness and to use some object to trigger a thought in your head or feeling that will help you say no or make the right decision.

I kept thinking of when I left on my hell job - I told myself intently that I'd be okay. I didn't want to cry like a baby when I left and didn't want to make a fool of myself.

So the morning before I left, I can remember this so vividly - I lay there and I felt so scared and I lay there quivering. My whole body shook and my teeth chattered with stress and worry. In my mind I was strictly talking myself into it ... telling myself I could do it, that I'd gotten myself into it, and I have to finish it.

My shivering began to cease and my mind began to calm ... whenever those shivers would come I would tell myself to stop it now and that I could do it.

That moment has really woke me up, because I did not cry when I left and never cried on the boat for homesickness. I was fine.

I had talked myself into it, made myself believe, and it was wonderful.

I keep thinking that I have to do that with my dieting, my exercise. And I need to just DO IT. Lay there in bed and just tell myself things ... be my own Hannibal Lecter and talk myself into and brainwash myself.

Anyway ... I need to go back to Indiana and see my sister for a spell. I did miss my parents, but I feel like I can't live here...seriously. I love them, but I feel suffocated here, isolated, etc.

I kind of feel like in Indiana at least I'm THERE for the jobs if they should call for an interview.... Plus I haven't seen my sister in ages and I kind of feel like she needs me there. Like I could be doing stuff there.

At the same time, I know she's working all day and I'd be there...doing nothing. At least here in Michigan I can actually DO stuff...so I don't know. I'll be here at least another week unless I do get an interview, but anymore...I feel like the plague, like it's a dream for someone to even offer up an interview.

But everyone says I'm marketable now, and somehow I feel like I should go back to my old job and ask for something - but pride says no ... and oh my it's so hard to think upon when there are so many things left for tomorrows and no plausible answers to be heard.

So I try to pray to God to please let me find something, please let me move in with my sister for a bit, find a job nearby and then find an apartment.

Find a man. Oh my. That. Yes that. I am beginning to feel that itch that I should and need to find someone to marry. Like I'm on a time clock, like my youth will soon run out on me. Oddly older men keep talking to me, those 40 year olds.

And yes, my 40 year old still talks to me, and he refers to me as his "girlfriend."

Which is odd, and even odder is I could probably go after that type of relationship and lead it to marriage.

But I'm not desperate, but knowing I could have it, I guess I realize now, that love is real because I can't see myself with anyone I don't truely love.

Anyway, I keep seeing myself with someone older, which I really don't mind, but some professional. Some college educated man.

I guess I can't really say though, I know when you fall for someone it doesn't matter what they are.

Oh well, right now, if I could find a place in this world, my life, I guess I'd be in the market for a man. But right now, I don't know where I'll be the following day, or if I'll be back on that God damn boat. The ship of fools with me a the helm.

Oh well, I'll stop blabbing and just be happy I got my diary up again and happy that I have my resume out there for shit's sake. I'll keep on hoping and praying and looking in the mirror and wondering if this girl knows what she's doing.

�

pet ramps