thought I would update my diary as last night as I lay in bed it suddently occured to me that I hadn't updated in quite some time. I also lay there with horrible cramps and wondering if this is how child birth is, and if it is, then I want to be put out if I ever have a child.

Well this week has been a big ol' fiasco with 40 year old not talking to me anymore and my roomate getting in fights with her boss.

Yes, 40 year old isn't talk to me because I told him the truth. Yeah he talked to me after I hid in my house as he waited in my driveway thinking I wasn't home - yeah he drove 3 hours and I called on my cell phone and said I wouldn't be home until dark ... he was mad, but he let it go the next day.

But yet, he tells me that a counselor told him that he has no fault in how his son turned out and that it's not his fault whatsoever that his son has dropped out of school, is a pretty bad kid all around and that it's all the mothers fault.

He washed his hands of it, saying he didn't raise him, so he's not accepting blame. And me, I felt empowered to tell him, that it is indeed his fault for not being there for him and not helping in raising him and just fighting with the mom and letting her get her way. He's a barrel of excuses and things that he wont' tell me, I think the court gave full custody as he had temper manager/anger classes because he has a temper. I said he's in denial and to give up on your own flesh and blood and say it's someone elses fault...well that is just wrong.

Granted I am 26 years old and he is, I think 45, and even I know that it's wrong to do that. I kept thinking if I had a kid I would want to be there for him/her all the time and would make friends with my ex for the sake of the child. I told 40 year old that I hope to never ever been in a situation like that, and I would never turn my back on my own child.

He's in denial and I told the truth as I 'm sure much of his other friends think the same as me but aren't willing to tell him this. I foresee this man as living alone the rest of his life and trying so fucking hard to find a girlfriend or should I say a fuck toy because there is no personality, there is no relationship in this man. He blames his ex wife on "destroying" how he used to be. But come on, that's stupid. He married her after dating her a month, she didn't love him, and he was disillusioned. He's one of those people that blame everyone and everything for what's wrong with them, when he should look inside. What an ass. Good riddance.

Anyway. That felt good. I'm getting rid of crap in my life right now, those poisoned people and things that just make daily life shitty. I guess my period is empowering me as it always does. I always get creative and want to write or do art when it comes. Then I slack off, then I work like a dog, then I'm to nice, then I'm a major bitch. It's like the many different faces of Jen - the Gemini. All of the sudden I'm two or three people and sometimes I feel like everything is ok, then other times I dread tomorrow or the next minute of my life.

It's strange, but right now I feel okay. I feel like things will work out regardless of how crappy they become.

I'm getting a bit antsy about the whole job thing, I'm trying to be patient, but I've never been really patient with this type of thing. My old boss won't even answer my emails and I think it's shitty if he said he would take me back anytime there. And I sort of am banking on that if my other job searches fail.

I guess it's kind of scary living this way, off the seat of my pants. Banking on my parents to clean up my messes if I should fail. I don't like that, I feel like I want to be on my own as now I know I can do it on my own. I want to pay for myself and have no one but me to contend with bills. I guess I just want to live and be normal, I've always felt like the odd man out, the last bud to bloom, the ugly ducking, I still feel like a teenager at age 26 and I feel that's a bit sad and I feel like sometimes I miss out on life.

And that's why I tell my sister, I want to get home and find an apartment after saving money. I don't want to live with her as she has made her life and I feel like I'm throwing a wrench in the machine. I get worried I'll be like 40-year old and shut myself out of the world and just be alone. No one wants to be alone, but I always find myself wanting to be with someone, but then the moment comes and I shy away. I guess I need to find someone whom I really like, and not like them because they like me. I always do that, I'm so afraid of hurting feelings and not willing to give chances. I just have to wonder who am I?

As I said before this is my finding myself time in my life. I don't like who I am sometimes and the things I think embarass me and God help should I ever utter them. I don't know how I got this way, either from neglecting myself or believing things that bad people told me.

I just hope to find a common ground, and really hope to lose more weight and just feel like I'm worth something. I just want to know what's my problem so I can fix myself before it's to late and suddenly I'm 40 years old and still wondering what I'm doing.

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pet ramps